Authors of History

Through this journey I have read and watched more feminist literature and documentaries than ever before. The more I read the more aware I become of the void of knowledge I have of female importance – current and historical. That there has been so much I didn’t know and still don’t.

My father in law loves reading and learning about world war 2. However he hates reading from the British point of view so he actively seeks out the German perspective or any other perspective. He believes that the ‘winners’ of wars get to tell the story their way and he wants to see things from the ‘real side’.

It’s an interesting point of view. The one aspect that he is completely correct about is how skewed our understanding of history is.

I remember a feminist friend of mine when I was little saying that she didn’t believe in history because it was his-story. At the time I thought she was over-reacting. (In my defence, I was young and didn’t know much history and I believed any strong statement was probably an overreaction.)

The more I learn now about influential women, the more I want to read but there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. I cannot foresee acquiring the knowledge I seek in this lifetime. But I think this is because I am trying to fill the void of female influence in history. So many powerful men! Where are the women in those stories? They can’t all just be wives and prostitutes, can they?

Imagine the power you must feel as a man, being raised to see that your gender can tear down cities, create miracles, change religions and god, win wars, abolish slavery and so much more!!! Wow! Just think of the things you can accomplish with your life! Meanwhile women get to be a nurse or a Queen who got beheaded because she didn’t give birth to a boy. Wow, what amazing prospects we have…

Like it or not, these are the subliminal messages, these are the inferences that our education and common history present. The same can be said of ‘black history month’ – it’s a month and it’s the only time where black history is represented, if at all! But the history books are not being rewritten. Movies and tv may be slowly but surely showing some diversity and positive representation but the very foundation – our history – is not.

Kate Pankhurst, from the Pankhurst legacy, has created some picture books for kids showing women who were influential. I picked them up the other day as I figured that they would be the first step towards making sure that the history my kids learn is balanced and equal. There are great books out there at the moment and I intend on collecting all of them. I already have too many books – this way I can claim good reason for adding more!

So Happy Women’s Day 2019; let’s make sure the history we create shows our influence and power.

Guilt

A phrase has come into my life and become a norm: Mummy guilt. Aka guilt for going back to work when your baby is still a child. You can’t win that one – guilty if you’re good at your job and not at home and guilty if you don’t care about your job and want to be at home. We’re judged either way. Too many women have just come to terms with the fact that they should feel bad; they should feel guilt; they will be judged.

We are raised to believe that the passion and spirit, the ‘tom boy’ in us must be squashed down deep in order to be feminine and pleasing. Now we have the right to work and have children, we need to work extra hard to overcome our feelings and well being and be the perfect mom or the perfect woman.

I’m sorry but women did not fight for equality and freedom for so many years for us to feel sorry for ourselves! They fought so we could have choices! We can choose our identity and be proud of it. There is such power in a woman who knows what she wants!

It’s time to own our choices. If we can proudly be a stay-at-home mom or proudly feed our kids with minimum wage jobs or proudly be a boss at our jobs, then we own our choices. What message are we sending our kids? That women have to suffer? That women should feel bad for their choices? Across my friends there have been a plethora of choices about how much time they are committing to work/kids. I respect each of them because they made a choice and they owned it. They didn’t apologise.

If you can make a choice about your life, regardless of what others might think of you, then who are they to judge you?

My kids know that I like my job, it’s important to me, it brings in money and I enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, it breaks my heart when they cry and don’t want me to go. It’s awful but I refuse to feel guilt over it. This was my choice and I give them all I’ve got when I’m home.

As women, our wellbeing is vital. We are pushed down, derided, objectified and made to feel irrelevant most of the time through society, habit and media. It is time to change that. I am not the ‘perfect woman’ that Cosmo thinks I should be. I am me. I am the sum of my choices. I am good at what I do. I love intensely and I dress oddly. I like loud music but soft blankets. I am no where near beach-ready and I don’t care! I stand behind every choice I have ever made and that has brought me to where I am now. So many women have fought to give me that freedom; I’m going to use it!

Make a choice and own it. Own the choices you have rejected.  Own who you are for better or worse. But please please please don’t feel guilty about any of it!

Male feminists

obama
Thanks to pinterest – it’s been repined so many times I couldn’t find the source. AND thanks to Barack Obama for the inspiration.
I told my husband recently that I was going to get him a t-shirt with the slogan ‘this is what a feminist looks like’. He laughed. From which I gathered that he wasn’t quite there yet. Shortly after he changed his twitter bio to ‘proud husband of a feminist’. So maybe he’s half-way there.

I have a very kind husband. He is the main caregiver for our kids because of his patience and PACE attitude. He accepts people as they come. He supports me enthusiastically in everything I do; be it through time, listening, building whatever I need, promoting and selling my wares, or whatever is on my mind. He was positively thrilled when I mentioned the idea of a blog. He has also started to stand up against inequality. However, the thought of calling himself a feminist is still a step too far. Interesting.

Why is that? How many, non-famous men do you know that would happily and proudly call themselves a feminist? Or wear the t-shirt? I’m positive they exist, but I’d like to meet one.

I can’t help but feel that we’re at a point where equality isn’t moving fast enough. Something has to cause a shift, something has to unite us against the perceived differences in order to make change happen.  Apparently Trump in charge isn’t even enough to make the western world wake up to misogyny! Between 1918 and 1928 in the UK women successfully campaigned after one semi-victory in order to have full voting equality. So what is it that can push everyday men, like my husband, past the point of accepting the norm and expecting a shift? What is it that can make a difference in our daily lives within the next 10 years?

The Gillette advert that’s gone viral about toxic masculinity had caused controversy but more importantly it has caused a lot of conversations. Much like the #metoo movement, it has clarified individual men’s positions again; you’re either toxic or helping the world move forward. I overheard my husband schooling another man on the historical fight for female equality and the ingrained misogyny that poisons our society. It was a proud moment.

There are still big issues to be fought on the political and economic front but somehow more importantly, the fight against social inequalities that are so deeply entrenched seem most important, as it is these that cause us to deepen the divide ourselves. Our expectations of ourselves to be perfect at everything, whether we want it or not; to look how magazines tell us to look, to buy what everyone else has, to be the perfect mom, to berate other women, to except ‘those’ phrases and action so as not to ‘make a fuss’. So the battle is lost and won within ourselves first. The shift we need, the great shift towards equality starts within you.

While I’d like my husband to proclaim to be a feminist and to expect equality, I guess that ultimately it doesn’t matter. The new fight is a personal one, one where we set our expectations of ourselves and how we’re treated; thus in turn effecting how others treat us. If half of all men could reject toxic masculinity and half of all women could reject ‘female perfection’; imagine the shift!

Inspiration

Image from Book Trust: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2017/october/ten-of-the-best-feminist-books-for-children/
There are so many inspiring people in the world- so many people with a bigger audience and who speak far more eloquently than I can; thus I have been suffering from a bit of an inferiority complex or maybe I simply lost sight of the point. Reminding the odd person that vaginas are strong and give life, questioning the odd derogatory term and getting annoyed at political powers has seemed a little insignificant.

Listening to Helen Pankhurst speak was inspiring and my search history and friends know me well enough to send me lots of inspiring videos. So honestly I haven’t had anything to say that others haven’t said louder than I can.

However, as the majority of my Christmas presents involved symbols of feminist strength within reality and fiction. I was reminded that every voice is important and valid.

So my present to you is some hope and inspiration that can be found within these videos and links. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

May 2019 bring more opportunities for everyone to meet their true potential without restriction.

Anne Hathaway speaking at a Human Rights convention: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PeLNRMrAEUA
Part of Trevor Noah‘s show: Afraid of the dark:  https://m.facebook.com/heyrevelist/videos/1919572955022884/
For the record, anything Trevor Noah does is worth watching!
These women inspired me – a change in perception about body image is happening and these women played a part. http://huffp.st/XkcG92X
Children’s literature is helping to make changes in the younger generation: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2017/october/ten-of-the-best-feminist-books-for-children/

Female Representation

Some fool, who dislikes all the female representation in Star Wars- The Last Jedi, has apparently made a cut of the movie taking out all the female characters in order to de-feminise the movie! This cut of the movie was 46mins long. They felt that this movie had a feminist agenda and thus their project proved their point. Honestly, all I can think is that means that 1hour and 50mins of the movie had women in it; strong, important, diverse, decision-making, non-romantic women as starring roles. That’s impressive.
The sad issue that this fool highlights is that this movie stands out due to the positive female representation. I’m sure we’re all aware that this is not the norm. If we struggle to represent half of our species on screen, how are we going to fully represent the diversity of it?

female leads
Growing up I used to detest most female characters portrayed in movies. In my young mind they were scared, pathetic maidens who needed rescuing or were mean competitive ‘bitches’. Most of them had to be tied to a man’s downfall or their romantic interest; promoting a mans trajectory made absolutely no sense to me. Even Princess Leia had to be in a love triangle and constantly supervised by men, despite her prominent role within the rebel alliance and obviously being capable. There were exceptions. Some my mum felt she had to explain to me, but if you have to explain why she’s not so bad, the message is too subtle! (E.g. little mermaid).

Fast forward 30 years and ‘Moana’ has been created. A strong, powerful, positive and determined young woman. Through and through. Even in her darkest and hardest moments, she never feels sorry for herself, has a tantrum or blames someone else. She inspires the male characters.  If you have no reason to watch animated kids movies, do yourself a favour watch it during your next rainy Sunday. You will thank me.
moana
There are many more examples of strong women in film now. It makes such a difference to how women are expected to behave, to their role in society and what to expect of themselves. It all comes down to representation but also the shift in society that has come about recently. The new value of women as equals.

But for every strong or representative female on screen there are hundreds of pathetic roles too. How do we change that? I read somewhere that we should write to the broadcasters and challenge them. Maybe. Simply not watching the movie or tv show doesn’t seem enough. In the social media age, the new letter is a deriding tweet or post, isn’t it? It interests me that the iconic suffragette slogan ‘deeds not words’, was a reaction to too many people saying the right thing but not doing it. Now, we all need to say the right thing with the same voice for deeds to happen and times to change.

So let’s not keep quiet anymore- if you see an objectified, sexualised, marginalised character, let’s call them out! Tweet, post or whatever, just let others know that it’s not ok! Where are the women in your movie?  Why does that woman have to be naked when the man doesn’t?  Highlight it so others begin to notice because this norm we have been living in is no longer good enough.

Conversely, tweet and celebrate the strong, positive, bigger-than-size-0, interesting female leads on TV and in movies! The comments and sales speak to the people who make these shows, so lets keep the trajectory going with our positive statements, which are just as strong as our complaints.

If I had the technological know-how I would make cuts of the top 10 grossing movies of all time, just to counteract that fool. I would keep all the bits with women in them and the only reason that any of my movies would be more than 30mins long is due to Black Panther.

females
So I guess all the morons out there who feel uncomfortable watching women on screen, who are more powerful and determined than they are, simply need to find another way to spend their time than playing with movies. And to all the morons out there making movies: unless there’s a 50% representation of women, your movie is purely a future-damaging sexist piece of data.

Methodically poking

I’ve been reading a little about the waves of feminism this week. Each wave is quite distinctive in its nature and context. Wave 1 and 2 feminists had to stand up, be present, put their lives on the line and be committed to their beliefs. Wave 4 feminism is fuelled and propelled by social media and technology (case in point) and the criticism of this is how little commitment and passion is really required within this forum.

It’s true, I have signed more petitions than I can count this month so far. I wouldn’t even be able to recall them all. I believe and feel strongly about each one, but all I have to do is click. Nothing more is asked of me, other than a donation. The only time something has been asked of me in support of a cause I felt strongly about was a march. A march! I’m up for that….hold on….in London (3 hour drive or £70 train return for 2.5 hours), on a week day (day off (not allowed in schools) and the school run) and with 3 days’ notice. Instant dampener. Now, absolutely if I was truly passionate and committed, I would have made it happen. So what does that mean? I’m not truly standing up for a cause I believe in? I don’t know.

Maybe it is simply reflective of where I’m at in my life – give me 3 weeks’ notice and a plan can be made, but a few days notice for almost anything is an instant headache. I am itching for a chance to stand up with a crowd of like-minded people, but I fear this is simply a romantic notion and the practicalities of it all are just too much.

Maybe it is the social media age where everyone has a voice but no influence or presence without selfies and thousands of followers. Do hundreds of thousands of virtual signatures hold as much impact as people standing together? Is it simply that you can only stand up with those people if you live in or near a city? In our isolation in rural England are we isolating our passion and drive too?

Inclusion has been a reoccurring theme for the last month within my job and the sad but obvious truth is that if you are surrounded by diversity, it’s an awful lot easier to be inclusive. If there is a minority of one, inclusivity is significantly harder without pointing fingers, being tokenistic and facing ever-looming prejudice. So it would make sense that in areas of less diversity there are fewer opportunities to stand up with like-minded people, because standing up is somewhat ‘other’. Not simply because of closed-minded people but because of open-minded people who are only active on social media.

There are no judgements here; simply curiosity. #timesup #likeagirl #metoo No one can argue with the power and resonance of these #. Is it enough? Does what happens on social media stay on social media or does it infiltrate into the real world?

I have no conclusions for this. All I have is hope that the movements, momentum and online passion bleeds through into our society so  that the ‘Everyday Sexism Project’ becomes irrelevant? I hope so.

“Everytime I move, I make a women’s movement,” – Jennifer Baumgardner

I like the idea that we are all walking around making our own personal but noticeable statement to the world but my fear is that it’s not enough. I so often ask the question: What would Amelia Pankhurst say? This question pushes me forward; to question, critique, support and do whatever I can. But I also remember that while she had to ‘shake society’ maybe our generation just has to methodically poke.

 

 

Moments of light

Plan International posted this video recently that is so sinister and, sadly, something I took for ‘normal’ growing up. I think every female I know would agree that these are the sorts of behaviours you learn to expect and prepare for.  It was only when I moved to London that I realised how aggressive and angry I had become about it all. My mum could never understand why I shot down admirers and I put a lot of it down to this daily level of harassment and objectification.

There is something truly wonderful in that it was only when I became more into the alternative music scene, especially punk, that these ‘normal’ behaviours stopped. I could go to a club or gig and not get groped on the way to the bar. It was also those friends who would shout at offenders on the tube who did behave in that way. So many people are quick to judge those who look ‘different’ but in my experience it’s the normal ones who are most toxic.

Had a conversation about teenagers with phones recently with a parent of teenagers. They claimed that there are more dangers now, so it’s essential for them to have a phone. I simply couldn’t disagree more. The same dangers are there and having a phone rarely stops dangerous things from happening. The difference is when I was a teenager and told my friends or my parents that I would be somewhere at a specific time- I was there! If I wasn’t, they would worry. With phones permanently attached to us, we never have to be on time or make a proper plan; that’s what feels more risky. That’s why we feel so vulnerable when we forget our phone.

Awareness is the difference. My parents were oblivious to the horrible male attention my friends and I received. Did it make a difference? Probably not. My parents couldn’t track my every move. Did it make a difference? Probably not. I got myself into and out of tricky situations, without a phone for back-up! I now have faith in my ability to deal with life. That may be pure luck, but abductions and missing people have not been cured by the invention of the mobile phone.

But the point is not about phones, it’s about what we consider ‘normal’. The behaviours in this video and the ‘dangers’ out there are indeed ‘normal’. The only way to rid our world of them is to challenge them. Challenge your friend or the stranger you see behaving in this way. Lift your head and have a look around you at how people treat each other. Noticing is the first step towards change.

The Nobel prize was awarded to two inspiring people this week: https://edition-m.cnn.com/2018/10/05/europe/nobel-peace-prize-intl/index.html. These are people who looked around them and made a change. Despite personal danger and culture of fear and quiet around the topic of weaponising sexual violence, these two individuals have made a remarkable difference in our world.

I witnessed some small moments of light this week. Moments where I wasn’t the one having to stand up, where others use of language to challenge perspectives inspired me.

So in a world where ‘normal’ is far from ideal, those moments of light and those people who inspire us must be our wheels that propel us forward.

Only found this website on Wednesday!! If you don’t know already, they work for education for all and equality for girls. https://plan-international.org/

#GetGirlsEqual

IT’S MY CHOICE!!

Loving Sneha’s conviction and completely spot on point of view in this post.

Sneha's avatarSneha Narayanan

Finally have started my blog after a lot of contemplation and if you are anything like me, Confused and Indecisive, you would have also pondered a lot regarding what your first post should be. Well, a chance encounter of 20-20 biscuit advertisement in TV the other day, gave me enough fodder to contemplate and the impetus I needed. A girl was trying out a few dresses in a mall when her father asks, “Isn’t it a little short” and the mother exclaims , “Dress choti nahi Hoti, soch Hoti hai”.

No dress is indecent. Wearing clothes is a personal choice. Stop shaming our body and clothing choices. Why are we constantly asked to “Cover” ourselves? If you are trying to protect us from “Unwanted attention”, then please try to understand that the length of our dress cannot be seen as a measure of our consent .

How am I responsible…

View original post 241 more words

Gentlemen

The other day, when addressing a group of male colleagues as ‘gentlemen’, I was greeted with shock, scoffs and banter. This makes me a little sad. You wouldn’t think twice about addressing a group of women as ‘ladies’, so how should I address a group of males?

I worked at an all boys school for a number of years and I always referred to them as ‘gents’ or ‘gentlemen’. My theory being that if I held them in high esteem they would meet the standard. It also meant that when I had to reprimand children, I could refer to them as ‘boys’ and it have a very significant meaning. (For the record they were all under 12, so definitely classed as boys.) On the most part I didn’t have a boy behave in a way less than I would expect of a gentleman.

The question is, what is a suitable non-degrading term for a group of men? Or should the question be rather, why were those men so shocked to think of themselves as gentlemen?! Have we gotten to a social point where a group of men has such negative connotations of misogyny and general disgusting behaviour that no collective noun is flattering? When did that happen?

Tina Fey mentioned in her book that when she first started at SNL as the first female writer, the men would have a jar of urine in the writers room. I think most of us would assume that this isn’t normal behaviour. Several men I know wouldn’t ‘break the bro code’ of dating their friends’ sisters. Why is that a thing? Surely they should be ideal candidates because you know who they are (and where they live). Or is it because you know who they really are when the men are alone?

When we reference the ‘patriarchy’, it brings about images of small circles of cigar-smoking older men in upper class clubs making sinister plans against humanity. It’s not really so hard to imagine given that in times before women had the vote, gentlemen’s clubs were rife and more recently when men get together for a weekend away or to see a football match, amoral or illegal behaviour is expected – hell there are many many movies about just that. So much so that several men I know have made extra special care to ensure their bachelor nights didn’t go down that usual route.

Why do we accept this as the norm? Boys will be boys? Just as equally as we expect constraints and expectations set of women and the backlash if rebelled against that have become common-place in our society; why have we come to expect this behaviour of a group of men? More worryingly, why do we make fun and judge a group of men if they don’t behave that way?! Do we think they’re less of a man?

I would argue that they’re simply less of an arsehole. I expect the same of everyone I know – that they are honest about who they are. We all slightly alter our behaviour for different people (boss, mother, quiet friend, loud friend, etc) but to alter it to the extent that the people closest to you don’t recognise you. That they couldn’t predict your behaviour- why? What are the inferences of this? That the version of you that is on show daily, isn’t quite all of you; There’s a misogynistic, prejudice, angry prick inside of you that needs to come out periodically? I don’t get it.

Show your true self to the world, if people accept you that’s great and if not, you need different friends or workplace. Say what you want about Trump but he shows his true self to the world- we all hate it, he knows it and he doesn’t care.  It doesn’t get more truthful than that.

So while I wait for truth to prevail I shall continue to refer to men as gentlemen, I shall continue to hold everyone I know to a higher standard and I shall insist upon a truthful existence from those I love. Truth cuts through bullshit and fear and when we lose those two elements, we get closer to equality.

Newton’s First Law of Motion

Newton’s first law of motion: an object in motion, will stay in motion unless acted on by another force. In other words, something in motion will only change its speed or direction, if something else causes it to do so.

I feel like the western world has been so caught up in financial recessions, terrorism, reality TV, and pantomime politics, all of which has been learnt about through social media, that they have forgotten to interact with one another with any rigour or power. We have forgotten how to talk about anything that’s really in front of us.

That’s where the flutter comes in, the churn in your stomach, the little voice that tells you to ‘just leave it’. I have felt that so many times over the last few months in my journey to not leave anything alone. But that’s where the change happens. Face to face, looking a person in the eye. I’m not facing down oppressors, the police or the government; I’m simply telling a friend or a colleague an alternative to the phrase they just used. If all it does is make them watch their words around me, I’ve changed someone’s motion and awareness of what is acceptable.

I saw a picture of a woman (on social media) who had squirted water on a man-spreader’s crotch. A brief glance at the comments showed some strong opinions on either side of the argument, but my only thought was ‘good, someone acting against something they care about’. I feel like we need to see more of this. There are protests and petitions galore at the moment but actual action is hard to come by. I am guilty myself, I claim that ‘life gets in the way’, but that’s the whole problem isn’t it.

So when I was reminded of Newton’s first law of motion, it made me think. It takes something bumping into us, physically or metaphorically, for us to change our motion. It takes someone you know speaking out, finding your own ceiling of bullshit or being personally affected to change your motion.

I feel like so many of us have fallen into a passive existence. An existence where we feel we can make a difference online, hiding away in social media, not interacting for fear of bumping into each other and having our motion changed. It’s like the world has recently woken up to the fact that we treat each other like shit. When we look up and around we realise that in our absence, no one has been making a difference.

So it seems that more and more people have been taking a stand over the last year or so. So many movements and slogans pushing us forward into potentially a better world. What true power do they have unless we reset our norms? What impact can they have if we get bored of hearing the same slogans 6 months later? If something’s worth saying, it’s worth saying until it’s heard.

Well sorry, not sorry to those who are sick of hearing it, the eye-rollers, because I’m going to keep repeating myself and standing up until I change enough people’s motions; until I see a world where equality reigns.