Tag: choices

Acceptance of choice

‘They encourage their children to believe that they can do anything’. This is how we were described by my kids’ teachers. At the time I was very much ‘well yeah, obviously!’ but now I have come to see that they said it because it’s different. 

As stated previously we have worked hard on gender stereotypes and ensuring our children have a good balanced knowledge of history of women and non-white people, not just the mainstream spoon-fed stories. But it occurred to me the other day when my eldest told me that he didn’t want to have kids when he was an adult. My response was ‘ok’. I realised that for many, the response would be ‘you’ll feel different when you’re older’. 

But why? Why should they? All around them their friends are playing make-believe as parents, babies, teachers, doctors, superheroes: acting out their dreams and processing their realities. They are seeing their peers acting like parents and making the decision that that’s not for them. In the exact the same way as watching my friend play football made me think- nope. It’s as simple as that. They have no concept that they would be working against societal norms and people’s expectations. 

I have encountered so many people who feel that having grandchildren is their right after having their own children. People who feel passionately about their name or their DNA being passed on to the next generation. Why? I really don’t get it. 

I understand the yearn to have children. I wonder how many people have considered whether it’s children or a family that they are yearning for? I do understand it, but not the grandchildren thing. Surely that’s the choice to be made for the humans you raised, not you. Your journey has a new chapter, it shouldn’t be on repeat. 

It’s not a biological yearning, so I’m guessing it’s a societal one: All my friends have grandkids, where are mine? There comes a time in a woman’s life where your friends all get pregnant and the conversation becomes amazingly focused on child care. I guess there comes a new time where the conversation becomes focused on how amazing grandkids are. Why? 

Is it a remnant of the ‘raise the kids and support the husband’ generation? Is it because it’s easier to get motivated to look after another than it is to look after yourself? The question ‘what do you want out of life’ terrifies people if you veto the kids option. Especially when you get to middle age and realised that most of what was on your list, you’ve got, so what’s next?! 

Why is it that having children defines so much of our existence? What would happen if we were accepting of anyone who says ‘no, I don’t want kids’? How would they change our reality? How many career driven women would still stop to think twice or be questioned about their intentions? How many infertile women would feel whole? The acceptance that having kids is our choice. 

How is it that I can be asked: when are you having a baby? When are you having another? Have you said you don’t want anymore kids? Are you trying? But it’s rude to ask my age?!? 

Let it be rude to ask if I’m having kids or not! Stop assuming I will unless there’s something wrong with me! As a woman of child-baring age, you’re either going to have kids or deserve a bit of pity (poor blind career-driven woman, one day she’ll wake up and realise/ poor woman, her body has failed her/ poor woman, her husband doesn’t want children/ poor woman she doesn’t know what a gift children are). I was actually once asked my age by a friend who found out I was nearly 30 and followed it with – better hurry up and have kids before it’s too late! He meant well but the words were harsh. (I did give him an elbow and told him never to say that to a woman again.) 

People all over the world have different views on having children; anti-abortion, IVF, adoption, religions and more variables make this a complex topic, which I feel is totally your own personal thing. My question is, if we raise our children to believe that having a child is just as much of a free choice as their career, how will the world change?

Numbers game

At this time of social uprising I haven’t been able to pin down a thought long enough to write about it. My voice simply doesn’t seem as important as those who finally have a platform to speak and get air time.

So I have focused my time on social media. As in life, those who are ignorant or negative tend to shout the loudest. Whereas those who are positive and inclusive often shy away from conflict or posting something that might incur the negatives out there. It takes effort to face the conflict of negative posts and hatred. It eats at you and tires you, so you either don’t post, don’t respond or turn off. I get it. I’ve done all three of those things.

If the oppressed and marginalised cannot hide, neither should I. I am not in a position to do much but I can play the numbers game on social media. I have been treating it like a workplace, staffroom, social gathering; if I hear something I don’t like, something degrading, demeaning, derogitary, sexist, racist, prejudice, I comment. It’s easy to skim past these comments but I feel that if they go unchecked, someone else will skim past them and think they’re acceptable.

Those who love peace must learn to organise as effectively as those who love war.

– Martin Luthor King Jr

I have used this quote before but it hits a note in me. There are several like it that I often refer to. It’s the great undoing of our society that those of us who care and don’t think twice about equality are not often in positions of ‘power’  or large scale ‘authority’. Recently we have seen people organise in protest all over the country and it fills me with hope. Are we witnessing a time when good people are starting to say ‘enough’s enough, stop the hatred!’ I truly hope so. As it has been said so many many times lately, it’s not enough to not-be-racist anymore, you must be anti-racist if there is a chance of change.  You have to be willing to say ‘no, that’s not ok’.

So while I have switched my attention to saying ‘no, that’s not ok’ to social media, as we return to work, remember to be anti-racist, anti-sexist and anti-hatred. Be ‘anti-‘ even if it means having an uncomfortable moment. Even if it eats at you a bit. That feeling is nothing comparted to what others endure. That’s the thought that stops me when I skim past that comment or turn off my phone. NO, THAT’S NOT OK!

A Woman’s Worth

I’m an adopter. I have never been pregnant. However, I have always been good with babies and kids so I think the references often made to childless women have surpassed me on the most part. It is only now that I’m a mother that I have noticed the way that many mothers talk about childless women; especially about childbirth and babies. The general inferred message I hear is that childless women have failed, are  unnatural or selfish. I doubt that this is intentional but it’s there.

 

In our family we won’t ‘out’ our kids as adopted; that’s their choice. We tell our friends but we won’t tell their friends’ parents, for example. So due to this, most people I meet are unaware that I haven’t been through the bliss of childbirth and the comfort of pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, both events are miracles but both can be horrendous and I never particularly wanted either. (I liked the idea of the baby but not what it entailed- I did however always prefer the idea of having a child and a family more).
So I’ve been asking the question; is it Women’s true belief that to bare children is their purpose in life?

 

Maybe it is. Maybe we’re all raised to believe this because our body preps us from an early age. Every period is a reminder of our body’s function. Maybe because we have to succumb to the pain, hormonal-ness and mess once a month, we figure that we may as well do what we’re built for.

I understand the yearning for a baby when that time in your life comes, I do! I felt it too. It’s overwhelming. However, I also understand that some women don’t feel it and that should be just as acceptable. I know more than a handful of women who had a baby ‘because that’s what you do’. For some of those women it worked out; for some it was always a struggle. I am reminded of the moment in one of the Sex in the City movies where Carrie and Big declare that they’re not choosing to have children and the dumbstruck response they received. I’ve seen that happen in real life. Why is it so hard to comprehend?
Then I read a line that I cannot get out of my head:

‘Man was made for women to pro create, no?’. Good old Billy Vunipola’s supporting response to a hateful comment made by Isreal Folau.

I hate the thought that some people think that’s their purpose in life! Is that why humans have ignored climate change, inequality, sexism, racism and everything else wrong with the world because ultimately our main concern is that we’re supposed to reproduce?

My obvious next step was to blame men and religion for this blatant programming, so I started my research. When I’d read about the 3-Ps of the Code of Manhood, it took up most of my thought-power. Initially I was incredibly angry: Protect, Procreate, Provide. So many thoughts whirled through my brain in a red mist. I decided to read on and was surprised by some of the article’s modernity and objectivity. It also made me think – which is always good.
https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-3-ps-of-manhood-procreate/

It made we wonder what the ‘code of womanhood’ would be? I can’t help but assume we’d have a lot more than 3 Ps. However, I also think that what it is to be a woman has changed so significantly in the last few hundred years that a code would be hard to construct.

The article outlines a lot of change for men and their roles within society and different cultures; so I wonder, if we can accept the changing roles of men in our lives and we can broaden our remit as women, why can’t we broaden our views of our purpose in life? Our differences can make us stronger, if we are accepting of them. Women’s rise towards true equality lies in acceptance of our own and other women’s desires and choices, as together we are stronger.

Guilt

A phrase has come into my life and become a norm: Mummy guilt. Aka guilt for going back to work when your baby is still a child. You can’t win that one – guilty if you’re good at your job and not at home and guilty if you don’t care about your job and want to be at home. We’re judged either way. Too many women have just come to terms with the fact that they should feel bad; they should feel guilt; they will be judged.

We are raised to believe that the passion and spirit, the ‘tom boy’ in us must be squashed down deep in order to be feminine and pleasing. Now we have the right to work and have children, we need to work extra hard to overcome our feelings and well being and be the perfect mom or the perfect woman.

I’m sorry but women did not fight for equality and freedom for so many years for us to feel sorry for ourselves! They fought so we could have choices! We can choose our identity and be proud of it. There is such power in a woman who knows what she wants!

It’s time to own our choices. If we can proudly be a stay-at-home mom or proudly feed our kids with minimum wage jobs or proudly be a boss at our jobs, then we own our choices. What message are we sending our kids? That women have to suffer? That women should feel bad for their choices? Across my friends there have been a plethora of choices about how much time they are committing to work/kids. I respect each of them because they made a choice and they owned it. They didn’t apologise.

If you can make a choice about your life, regardless of what others might think of you, then who are they to judge you?

My kids know that I like my job, it’s important to me, it brings in money and I enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, it breaks my heart when they cry and don’t want me to go. It’s awful but I refuse to feel guilt over it. This was my choice and I give them all I’ve got when I’m home.

As women, our wellbeing is vital. We are pushed down, derided, objectified and made to feel irrelevant most of the time through society, habit and media. It is time to change that. I am not the ‘perfect woman’ that Cosmo thinks I should be. I am me. I am the sum of my choices. I am good at what I do. I love intensely and I dress oddly. I like loud music but soft blankets. I am no where near beach-ready and I don’t care! I stand behind every choice I have ever made and that has brought me to where I am now. So many women have fought to give me that freedom; I’m going to use it!

Make a choice and own it. Own the choices you have rejected.  Own who you are for better or worse. But please please please don’t feel guilty about any of it!