Tag: equality

Female acceptance – Sports

I have become aware that being a feminist isn’t a final destination like enlightenment; it’s a journey. I am by no means a perfect feminist with all the answers and witty retorts, who spends their time in the right places fighting the good fight. I admire those feminists (and activists in general who are making that powerful positive impact) but I’m not them… at least, not right now. My journey is a more personal one. It started off with wanting to increase my own intolerance for daily sexism and prejudice and to call it out. It became a journey to realise my own sexism.

As a woman there are a thousand small ways we are made to feel different; especially physically but also in how we act. This is different for every country and culture. I am aware of some differences but I can only speak to those I was raised within: England’s. Demure is probably the word that best describes the expectation but it needs coupling with delecate and desirable. If you are not these things, your elders tend to shake thier heads in desparation. This is different for every family and is thankfully becoming diluted through the generations but it certainly has been in recent history that any woman who didn’t conform was doomed to be a social outcast.

I have realised how much of this attitude is still within me. Cast aside the impact of women being made to feel that we must compete for acceptance and the influence that has had on how I have viewed successful women as I have grown. I am focusing on how I view women who are not demure, delecate and desirable. Yesterday I was faced with why I have felt so uncomfortable with women’s sports.

Women’s 6 Nations Rugby is on bbc iplayer – full matches, and is being advertised well. We are a big rubgy-loving family and wanted to support this. Especially during a dry patch of rugby; our weekends were feeling empty. I knew deep down I would find this uncomfortable to watch – my self-awareness was tingling and I disapproved of myself. So initially, I listened. I got used to the female commentary and female voices yelling at each other and sounds of exertion. I only got annoyed once when they refered to the Men’s 6 Nation side as ‘their men’. (I say only once, but I probably ranted for 5 minutes.) After the first quarter, I started watching and found that the differences I was noticing were quite different to being gender-based but were about the game instead. It’s much faster paced and less about strength, there are fewer stereotyped bodies, so it’s harder to know who does what position – especially when you have a front rower who’s scored 18 tries!

At half time, we discussed why I found this so uncomfortable initially and it came down to that view of women always needing to be composed. Now, at this point I should point out that I am very far away from composed, demure, delecate or desirable in any traditional sence!! Very far! So I’m not judging from a pedastal but from the point of view that I was always told how to behave, as a girl, which was far from how I actually do. I guess somewhere deep down, I have a view of how a woman should be that feels uncomfortable when faced with Other. Isn’t that crazy? I can be so aware of societal inequalities of women but deep down there is an expectation of perfection on others! I make myself feel a little sick.

So I’m working on it! I’m picking myself up every time I hear the judgy little voice. I can’t stand that idea within myself – it’s got to go!

However, I don’t think I’m alone in this. We used to watch WWE (don’t judge me!) and when the ‘Divas’ came on, I’d always find something else to do because I couldn’t stand it. It sounded like porn. It was all posing and hair flipping. Then a generation of female wrestlers came along who were actual wrestlers. Their grunts were real and they actually got hurt and sweaty – on TV – in front of millions of people – not very composed at all! It was awesome! WWE actually changed things for females in thier field, slowly but surely. And they’re no longer called ‘divas’ – thank goodness. I know it’s not perfect and it’s a crazy example but it highlights what we have expected from women previously as well as how subtly people feel they have to make the change.

Apparently, people need time to accept women in thier raw form.

This idea is both completely infuriating yet reassuring that change is happening anyway. Maybe the ‘status quo-ers’ out there won’t notice the change towards equality, if we do it subtly? Maybe there will be less resistance? Subtle is fine as long as it’s quick!

Anyway, long rambling story later, by the end of the match, I am cured of my stupid-brain-washing when it comes to women’s sports. AND as an added bonus, my sons think that women’s rugby is brilliant!

England Women v Wales Women at The Stoop: All you need to know | News | Harlequins Rugby Union
credit: Getty images

Hope

When I was a child the future was painted in all manner of hopeful ways; flying cars, stop whaling, hoverboards, gender equality, self-drying clothes, end to racism, teleportation, no deforestation, no poaching, renewable energy…and most importantly, hoverboards… did I mention that already?

Technology has moved forward so fast that my childhood of untwisting cassettes with a biro seems like a weird dream. We could never imagine how different our daily lives could be with the technology we keep in our pockets or on our wrists. Yet every day we imagine a world without the social and environmental problems we have, but it’s not becoming a reality.

Do we need a phone with 3 cameras…no. Do we need clean renewable energy…YES! Do we need to know how much REM sleep we had this week…no. Do we need to end hatred of race and sexuality and gender…YES, a thousand times, YES!

I hear so many people of my generation being cynical. They no longer believe that change can happen. So many people question, why would a change happen now when it hasn’t for so long? I see the pain behind that statement. However that pain is hindering hope. Having your hope chipped away at over decades leads a person to be more careful where they place that hope. I understand that. But much like racism shouldn’t be said out loud, neither should cynicism. Let Greta do her thing; if she can make change happen, perfect. Let each celebrity trying to use thier voice do it; the more positive voices and role models out there the better for all.

I lose hope. I look at my list of hopes for the future and realise that none of them truly exist yet. So then I pick myself up and think about the people who have waited for their hopes for a hell of a lot longer than me and I keep hoping. This is purely selfish though, I want to see this change in my lifetime. None of this – future generations stuff – what about us!! Why aren’t we fighting for our world? What, coz it’s too comfy like it is? Look around, no it isn’t. People are afraid. They are afraid of being different, of being left behind, of not having enough, of being hated, of regret.

There are also a frightening proportion who don’t want change. They are frightened to death of it and they are fighting so hard to keep the status quo. These are people who have no hope. Don’t let them be louder than you. Don’t let them drive the frikkin bus! When you hear doubt and cynicism, shove your hands over you hears and shout ‘la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you’! Protect your hope. Guard it. Water it and keep it strong. Listen to the good news. Watch the up-lifting movie. Listen to hopeful songs. Stop the doubt when you see it and name it. The children are rising up because thier hope is stronger than ours, thiers hasn’t had the battering ours has. So shake it off and find your child-like hope for equality…and let’s not forget…hoverboards.

Numbers game

At this time of social uprising I haven’t been able to pin down a thought long enough to write about it. My voice simply doesn’t seem as important as those who finally have a platform to speak and get air time.

So I have focused my time on social media. As in life, those who are ignorant or negative tend to shout the loudest. Whereas those who are positive and inclusive often shy away from conflict or posting something that might incur the negatives out there. It takes effort to face the conflict of negative posts and hatred. It eats at you and tires you, so you either don’t post, don’t respond or turn off. I get it. I’ve done all three of those things.

If the oppressed and marginalised cannot hide, neither should I. I am not in a position to do much but I can play the numbers game on social media. I have been treating it like a workplace, staffroom, social gathering; if I hear something I don’t like, something degrading, demeaning, derogitary, sexist, racist, prejudice, I comment. It’s easy to skim past these comments but I feel that if they go unchecked, someone else will skim past them and think they’re acceptable.

Those who love peace must learn to organise as effectively as those who love war.

– Martin Luthor King Jr

I have used this quote before but it hits a note in me. There are several like it that I often refer to. It’s the great undoing of our society that those of us who care and don’t think twice about equality are not often in positions of ‘power’  or large scale ‘authority’. Recently we have seen people organise in protest all over the country and it fills me with hope. Are we witnessing a time when good people are starting to say ‘enough’s enough, stop the hatred!’ I truly hope so. As it has been said so many many times lately, it’s not enough to not-be-racist anymore, you must be anti-racist if there is a chance of change.  You have to be willing to say ‘no, that’s not ok’.

So while I have switched my attention to saying ‘no, that’s not ok’ to social media, as we return to work, remember to be anti-racist, anti-sexist and anti-hatred. Be ‘anti-‘ even if it means having an uncomfortable moment. Even if it eats at you a bit. That feeling is nothing comparted to what others endure. That’s the thought that stops me when I skim past that comment or turn off my phone. NO, THAT’S NOT OK!

A Woman’s Worth

I’m an adopter. I have never been pregnant. However, I have always been good with babies and kids so I think the references often made to childless women have surpassed me on the most part. It is only now that I’m a mother that I have noticed the way that many mothers talk about childless women; especially about childbirth and babies. The general inferred message I hear is that childless women have failed, are  unnatural or selfish. I doubt that this is intentional but it’s there.

 

In our family we won’t ‘out’ our kids as adopted; that’s their choice. We tell our friends but we won’t tell their friends’ parents, for example. So due to this, most people I meet are unaware that I haven’t been through the bliss of childbirth and the comfort of pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, both events are miracles but both can be horrendous and I never particularly wanted either. (I liked the idea of the baby but not what it entailed- I did however always prefer the idea of having a child and a family more).
So I’ve been asking the question; is it Women’s true belief that to bare children is their purpose in life?

 

Maybe it is. Maybe we’re all raised to believe this because our body preps us from an early age. Every period is a reminder of our body’s function. Maybe because we have to succumb to the pain, hormonal-ness and mess once a month, we figure that we may as well do what we’re built for.

I understand the yearning for a baby when that time in your life comes, I do! I felt it too. It’s overwhelming. However, I also understand that some women don’t feel it and that should be just as acceptable. I know more than a handful of women who had a baby ‘because that’s what you do’. For some of those women it worked out; for some it was always a struggle. I am reminded of the moment in one of the Sex in the City movies where Carrie and Big declare that they’re not choosing to have children and the dumbstruck response they received. I’ve seen that happen in real life. Why is it so hard to comprehend?
Then I read a line that I cannot get out of my head:

‘Man was made for women to pro create, no?’. Good old Billy Vunipola’s supporting response to a hateful comment made by Isreal Folau.

I hate the thought that some people think that’s their purpose in life! Is that why humans have ignored climate change, inequality, sexism, racism and everything else wrong with the world because ultimately our main concern is that we’re supposed to reproduce?

My obvious next step was to blame men and religion for this blatant programming, so I started my research. When I’d read about the 3-Ps of the Code of Manhood, it took up most of my thought-power. Initially I was incredibly angry: Protect, Procreate, Provide. So many thoughts whirled through my brain in a red mist. I decided to read on and was surprised by some of the article’s modernity and objectivity. It also made me think – which is always good.
https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-3-ps-of-manhood-procreate/

It made we wonder what the ‘code of womanhood’ would be? I can’t help but assume we’d have a lot more than 3 Ps. However, I also think that what it is to be a woman has changed so significantly in the last few hundred years that a code would be hard to construct.

The article outlines a lot of change for men and their roles within society and different cultures; so I wonder, if we can accept the changing roles of men in our lives and we can broaden our remit as women, why can’t we broaden our views of our purpose in life? Our differences can make us stronger, if we are accepting of them. Women’s rise towards true equality lies in acceptance of our own and other women’s desires and choices, as together we are stronger.

Authors of History

Through this journey I have read and watched more feminist literature and documentaries than ever before. The more I read the more aware I become of the void of knowledge I have of female importance – current and historical. That there has been so much I didn’t know and still don’t.

My father in law loves reading and learning about world war 2. However he hates reading from the British point of view so he actively seeks out the German perspective or any other perspective. He believes that the ‘winners’ of wars get to tell the story their way and he wants to see things from the ‘real side’.

It’s an interesting point of view. The one aspect that he is completely correct about is how skewed our understanding of history is.

I remember a feminist friend of mine when I was little saying that she didn’t believe in history because it was his-story. At the time I thought she was over-reacting. (In my defence, I was young and didn’t know much history and I believed any strong statement was probably an overreaction.)

The more I learn now about influential women, the more I want to read but there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. I cannot foresee acquiring the knowledge I seek in this lifetime. But I think this is because I am trying to fill the void of female influence in history. So many powerful men! Where are the women in those stories? They can’t all just be wives and prostitutes, can they?

Imagine the power you must feel as a man, being raised to see that your gender can tear down cities, create miracles, change religions and god, win wars, abolish slavery and so much more!!! Wow! Just think of the things you can accomplish with your life! Meanwhile women get to be a nurse or a Queen who got beheaded because she didn’t give birth to a boy. Wow, what amazing prospects we have…

Like it or not, these are the subliminal messages, these are the inferences that our education and common history present. The same can be said of ‘black history month’ – it’s a month and it’s the only time where black history is represented, if at all! But the history books are not being rewritten. Movies and tv may be slowly but surely showing some diversity and positive representation but the very foundation – our history – is not.

Kate Pankhurst, from the Pankhurst legacy, has created some picture books for kids showing women who were influential. I picked them up the other day as I figured that they would be the first step towards making sure that the history my kids learn is balanced and equal. There are great books out there at the moment and I intend on collecting all of them. I already have too many books – this way I can claim good reason for adding more!

So Happy Women’s Day 2019; let’s make sure the history we create shows our influence and power.

Male feminists

obama
Thanks to pinterest – it’s been repined so many times I couldn’t find the source. AND thanks to Barack Obama for the inspiration.

I told my husband recently that I was going to get him a t-shirt with the slogan ‘this is what a feminist looks like’. He laughed. From which I gathered that he wasn’t quite there yet. Shortly after he changed his twitter bio to ‘proud husband of a feminist’. So maybe he’s half-way there.

I have a very kind husband. He is the main caregiver for our kids because of his patience and PACE attitude. He accepts people as they come. He supports me enthusiastically in everything I do; be it through time, listening, building whatever I need, promoting and selling my wares, or whatever is on my mind. He was positively thrilled when I mentioned the idea of a blog. He has also started to stand up against inequality. However, the thought of calling himself a feminist is still a step too far. Interesting.

Why is that? How many, non-famous men do you know that would happily and proudly call themselves a feminist? Or wear the t-shirt? I’m positive they exist, but I’d like to meet one.

I can’t help but feel that we’re at a point where equality isn’t moving fast enough. Something has to cause a shift, something has to unite us against the perceived differences in order to make change happen.  Apparently Trump in charge isn’t even enough to make the western world wake up to misogyny! Between 1918 and 1928 in the UK women successfully campaigned after one semi-victory in order to have full voting equality. So what is it that can push everyday men, like my husband, past the point of accepting the norm and expecting a shift? What is it that can make a difference in our daily lives within the next 10 years?

The Gillette advert that’s gone viral about toxic masculinity had caused controversy but more importantly it has caused a lot of conversations. Much like the #metoo movement, it has clarified individual men’s positions again; you’re either toxic or helping the world move forward. I overheard my husband schooling another man on the historical fight for female equality and the ingrained misogyny that poisons our society. It was a proud moment.

There are still big issues to be fought on the political and economic front but somehow more importantly, the fight against social inequalities that are so deeply entrenched seem most important, as it is these that cause us to deepen the divide ourselves. Our expectations of ourselves to be perfect at everything, whether we want it or not; to look how magazines tell us to look, to buy what everyone else has, to be the perfect mom, to berate other women, to except ‘those’ phrases and action so as not to ‘make a fuss’. So the battle is lost and won within ourselves first. The shift we need, the great shift towards equality starts within you.

While I’d like my husband to proclaim to be a feminist and to expect equality, I guess that ultimately it doesn’t matter. The new fight is a personal one, one where we set our expectations of ourselves and how we’re treated; thus in turn effecting how others treat us. If half of all men could reject toxic masculinity and half of all women could reject ‘female perfection’; imagine the shift!

Inspiration

Image from Book Trust: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2017/october/ten-of-the-best-feminist-books-for-children/
There are so many inspiring people in the world- so many people with a bigger audience and who speak far more eloquently than I can; thus I have been suffering from a bit of an inferiority complex or maybe I simply lost sight of the point. Reminding the odd person that vaginas are strong and give life, questioning the odd derogatory term and getting annoyed at political powers has seemed a little insignificant.

Listening to Helen Pankhurst speak was inspiring and my search history and friends know me well enough to send me lots of inspiring videos. So honestly I haven’t had anything to say that others haven’t said louder than I can.

However, as the majority of my Christmas presents involved symbols of feminist strength within reality and fiction. I was reminded that every voice is important and valid.

So my present to you is some hope and inspiration that can be found within these videos and links. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

May 2019 bring more opportunities for everyone to meet their true potential without restriction.

Anne Hathaway speaking at a Human Rights convention: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PeLNRMrAEUA
Part of Trevor Noah‘s show: Afraid of the dark:  https://m.facebook.com/heyrevelist/videos/1919572955022884/
For the record, anything Trevor Noah does is worth watching!
These women inspired me – a change in perception about body image is happening and these women played a part. http://huffp.st/XkcG92X
Children’s literature is helping to make changes in the younger generation: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2017/october/ten-of-the-best-feminist-books-for-children/

Methodically poking

I’ve been reading a little about the waves of feminism this week. Each wave is quite distinctive in its nature and context. Wave 1 and 2 feminists had to stand up, be present, put their lives on the line and be committed to their beliefs. Wave 4 feminism is fuelled and propelled by social media and technology (case in point) and the criticism of this is how little commitment and passion is really required within this forum.

It’s true, I have signed more petitions than I can count this month so far. I wouldn’t even be able to recall them all. I believe and feel strongly about each one, but all I have to do is click. Nothing more is asked of me, other than a donation. The only time something has been asked of me in support of a cause I felt strongly about was a march. A march! I’m up for that….hold on….in London (3 hour drive or £70 train return for 2.5 hours), on a week day (day off (not allowed in schools) and the school run) and with 3 days’ notice. Instant dampener. Now, absolutely if I was truly passionate and committed, I would have made it happen. So what does that mean? I’m not truly standing up for a cause I believe in? I don’t know.

Maybe it is simply reflective of where I’m at in my life – give me 3 weeks’ notice and a plan can be made, but a few days notice for almost anything is an instant headache. I am itching for a chance to stand up with a crowd of like-minded people, but I fear this is simply a romantic notion and the practicalities of it all are just too much.

Maybe it is the social media age where everyone has a voice but no influence or presence without selfies and thousands of followers. Do hundreds of thousands of virtual signatures hold as much impact as people standing together? Is it simply that you can only stand up with those people if you live in or near a city? In our isolation in rural England are we isolating our passion and drive too?

Inclusion has been a reoccurring theme for the last month within my job and the sad but obvious truth is that if you are surrounded by diversity, it’s an awful lot easier to be inclusive. If there is a minority of one, inclusivity is significantly harder without pointing fingers, being tokenistic and facing ever-looming prejudice. So it would make sense that in areas of less diversity there are fewer opportunities to stand up with like-minded people, because standing up is somewhat ‘other’. Not simply because of closed-minded people but because of open-minded people who are only active on social media.

There are no judgements here; simply curiosity. #timesup #likeagirl #metoo No one can argue with the power and resonance of these #. Is it enough? Does what happens on social media stay on social media or does it infiltrate into the real world?

I have no conclusions for this. All I have is hope that the movements, momentum and online passion bleeds through into our society so  that the ‘Everyday Sexism Project’ becomes irrelevant? I hope so.

“Everytime I move, I make a women’s movement,” – Jennifer Baumgardner

I like the idea that we are all walking around making our own personal but noticeable statement to the world but my fear is that it’s not enough. I so often ask the question: What would Amelia Pankhurst say? This question pushes me forward; to question, critique, support and do whatever I can. But I also remember that while she had to ‘shake society’ maybe our generation just has to methodically poke.

 

 

Moments of light

Plan International posted this video recently that is so sinister and, sadly, something I took for ‘normal’ growing up. I think every female I know would agree that these are the sorts of behaviours you learn to expect and prepare for.  It was only when I moved to London that I realised how aggressive and angry I had become about it all. My mum could never understand why I shot down admirers and I put a lot of it down to this daily level of harassment and objectification.

There is something truly wonderful in that it was only when I became more into the alternative music scene, especially punk, that these ‘normal’ behaviours stopped. I could go to a club or gig and not get groped on the way to the bar. It was also those friends who would shout at offenders on the tube who did behave in that way. So many people are quick to judge those who look ‘different’ but in my experience it’s the normal ones who are most toxic.

Had a conversation about teenagers with phones recently with a parent of teenagers. They claimed that there are more dangers now, so it’s essential for them to have a phone. I simply couldn’t disagree more. The same dangers are there and having a phone rarely stops dangerous things from happening. The difference is when I was a teenager and told my friends or my parents that I would be somewhere at a specific time- I was there! If I wasn’t, they would worry. With phones permanently attached to us, we never have to be on time or make a proper plan; that’s what feels more risky. That’s why we feel so vulnerable when we forget our phone.

Awareness is the difference. My parents were oblivious to the horrible male attention my friends and I received. Did it make a difference? Probably not. My parents couldn’t track my every move. Did it make a difference? Probably not. I got myself into and out of tricky situations, without a phone for back-up! I now have faith in my ability to deal with life. That may be pure luck, but abductions and missing people have not been cured by the invention of the mobile phone.

But the point is not about phones, it’s about what we consider ‘normal’. The behaviours in this video and the ‘dangers’ out there are indeed ‘normal’. The only way to rid our world of them is to challenge them. Challenge your friend or the stranger you see behaving in this way. Lift your head and have a look around you at how people treat each other. Noticing is the first step towards change.

The Nobel prize was awarded to two inspiring people this week: https://edition-m.cnn.com/2018/10/05/europe/nobel-peace-prize-intl/index.html. These are people who looked around them and made a change. Despite personal danger and culture of fear and quiet around the topic of weaponising sexual violence, these two individuals have made a remarkable difference in our world.

I witnessed some small moments of light this week. Moments where I wasn’t the one having to stand up, where others use of language to challenge perspectives inspired me.

So in a world where ‘normal’ is far from ideal, those moments of light and those people who inspire us must be our wheels that propel us forward.

Only found this website on Wednesday!! If you don’t know already, they work for education for all and equality for girls. https://plan-international.org/

#GetGirlsEqual

Gentlemen

The other day, when addressing a group of male colleagues as ‘gentlemen’, I was greeted with shock, scoffs and banter. This makes me a little sad. You wouldn’t think twice about addressing a group of women as ‘ladies’, so how should I address a group of males?

I worked at an all boys school for a number of years and I always referred to them as ‘gents’ or ‘gentlemen’. My theory being that if I held them in high esteem they would meet the standard. It also meant that when I had to reprimand children, I could refer to them as ‘boys’ and it have a very significant meaning. (For the record they were all under 12, so definitely classed as boys.) On the most part I didn’t have a boy behave in a way less than I would expect of a gentleman.

The question is, what is a suitable non-degrading term for a group of men? Or should the question be rather, why were those men so shocked to think of themselves as gentlemen?! Have we gotten to a social point where a group of men has such negative connotations of misogyny and general disgusting behaviour that no collective noun is flattering? When did that happen?

Tina Fey mentioned in her book that when she first started at SNL as the first female writer, the men would have a jar of urine in the writers room. I think most of us would assume that this isn’t normal behaviour. Several men I know wouldn’t ‘break the bro code’ of dating their friends’ sisters. Why is that a thing? Surely they should be ideal candidates because you know who they are (and where they live). Or is it because you know who they really are when the men are alone?

When we reference the ‘patriarchy’, it brings about images of small circles of cigar-smoking older men in upper class clubs making sinister plans against humanity. It’s not really so hard to imagine given that in times before women had the vote, gentlemen’s clubs were rife and more recently when men get together for a weekend away or to see a football match, amoral or illegal behaviour is expected – hell there are many many movies about just that. So much so that several men I know have made extra special care to ensure their bachelor nights didn’t go down that usual route.

Why do we accept this as the norm? Boys will be boys? Just as equally as we expect constraints and expectations set of women and the backlash if rebelled against that have become common-place in our society; why have we come to expect this behaviour of a group of men? More worryingly, why do we make fun and judge a group of men if they don’t behave that way?! Do we think they’re less of a man?

I would argue that they’re simply less of an arsehole. I expect the same of everyone I know – that they are honest about who they are. We all slightly alter our behaviour for different people (boss, mother, quiet friend, loud friend, etc) but to alter it to the extent that the people closest to you don’t recognise you. That they couldn’t predict your behaviour- why? What are the inferences of this? That the version of you that is on show daily, isn’t quite all of you; There’s a misogynistic, prejudice, angry prick inside of you that needs to come out periodically? I don’t get it.

Show your true self to the world, if people accept you that’s great and if not, you need different friends or workplace. Say what you want about Trump but he shows his true self to the world- we all hate it, he knows it and he doesn’t care.  It doesn’t get more truthful than that.

So while I wait for truth to prevail I shall continue to refer to men as gentlemen, I shall continue to hold everyone I know to a higher standard and I shall insist upon a truthful existence from those I love. Truth cuts through bullshit and fear and when we lose those two elements, we get closer to equality.