Tag: feminism

Acceptance of choice

‘They encourage their children to believe that they can do anything’. This is how we were described by my kids’ teachers. At the time I was very much ‘well yeah, obviously!’ but now I have come to see that they said it because it’s different. 

As stated previously we have worked hard on gender stereotypes and ensuring our children have a good balanced knowledge of history of women and non-white people, not just the mainstream spoon-fed stories. But it occurred to me the other day when my eldest told me that he didn’t want to have kids when he was an adult. My response was ‘ok’. I realised that for many, the response would be ‘you’ll feel different when you’re older’. 

But why? Why should they? All around them their friends are playing make-believe as parents, babies, teachers, doctors, superheroes: acting out their dreams and processing their realities. They are seeing their peers acting like parents and making the decision that that’s not for them. In the exact the same way as watching my friend play football made me think- nope. It’s as simple as that. They have no concept that they would be working against societal norms and people’s expectations. 

I have encountered so many people who feel that having grandchildren is their right after having their own children. People who feel passionately about their name or their DNA being passed on to the next generation. Why? I really don’t get it. 

I understand the yearn to have children. I wonder how many people have considered whether it’s children or a family that they are yearning for? I do understand it, but not the grandchildren thing. Surely that’s the choice to be made for the humans you raised, not you. Your journey has a new chapter, it shouldn’t be on repeat. 

It’s not a biological yearning, so I’m guessing it’s a societal one: All my friends have grandkids, where are mine? There comes a time in a woman’s life where your friends all get pregnant and the conversation becomes amazingly focused on child care. I guess there comes a new time where the conversation becomes focused on how amazing grandkids are. Why? 

Is it a remnant of the ‘raise the kids and support the husband’ generation? Is it because it’s easier to get motivated to look after another than it is to look after yourself? The question ‘what do you want out of life’ terrifies people if you veto the kids option. Especially when you get to middle age and realised that most of what was on your list, you’ve got, so what’s next?! 

Why is it that having children defines so much of our existence? What would happen if we were accepting of anyone who says ‘no, I don’t want kids’? How would they change our reality? How many career driven women would still stop to think twice or be questioned about their intentions? How many infertile women would feel whole? The acceptance that having kids is our choice. 

How is it that I can be asked: when are you having a baby? When are you having another? Have you said you don’t want anymore kids? Are you trying? But it’s rude to ask my age?!? 

Let it be rude to ask if I’m having kids or not! Stop assuming I will unless there’s something wrong with me! As a woman of child-baring age, you’re either going to have kids or deserve a bit of pity (poor blind career-driven woman, one day she’ll wake up and realise/ poor woman, her body has failed her/ poor woman, her husband doesn’t want children/ poor woman she doesn’t know what a gift children are). I was actually once asked my age by a friend who found out I was nearly 30 and followed it with – better hurry up and have kids before it’s too late! He meant well but the words were harsh. (I did give him an elbow and told him never to say that to a woman again.) 

People all over the world have different views on having children; anti-abortion, IVF, adoption, religions and more variables make this a complex topic, which I feel is totally your own personal thing. My question is, if we raise our children to believe that having a child is just as much of a free choice as their career, how will the world change?

Miss-Mrs-Ms?

Why?

Why must a woman denote whether she is married or not? I know plenty of women who wear the Mrs badge with pride. I’m not judging that at all. I’m just wondering why it exists? Don’t get me wrong I’m glad we no longer have to take their entire name- Mrs John Smith! That makes no sense to me at all. It turns a person into a belonging – like a brand. We may have moved on from this but why is it so important for women to start their name with a statement of status? 

Whether we like it or not, these titles trigger a judgement. Especially when it is aligned to age. If you meet a Miss Smith who is 20, you think differently of her to Miss Smith who is 50. The same works in opposite. A Mrs Smith who is 20 versus a Mrs Smith who is 50. Either way, before they have even spoken to you, you feel you know something about them and you have made an instant judgement call about who they are fundamentally. As we all know, these could be very wrong but why put it there in the first place? Why do we allow it still? Habit? Romance? Pride? 

I took on Ms when I divorced and I was proud of it. Honestly I was proud of anything denoting the divorce because it meant I had survived! But then I got married again and Mrs came along. It was normal and expected that I tick the Mrs box. But it bothers me that there is a history along my life that shows my story dependant on which title box I ticked. No man has that. They just merrily tick Mr without thinking. From the day they were born. 

My kids are listed higher than me on plane manifestos because they are both Mr. That makes me very uncomfortable. (Especially when I bought the frikkin tickets!) 

The whole argument of whether to change your name or not or double barrel it, as far as I’m concerned is personal choice. It’s your name- it doesn’t get more personal. But those little letters that preceded our name, for women are trying to tell our story for us. They are helping others decide if they are comfortable or not, if we are to be respected or pitied. And the more I think about it, the more I’m irritated by it. 

Ms is an abbreviation of Mistress which denotes female with no attached marital status. Mrs and Miss are also derived from Mistress but only arrived in 19th Century when apparently it became important to state your status. However Ms has been used since 17th Century. Much like Mister (Mr) which held no marital status. Now, there has been a revival of Ms, which comes with a level of connotation – ‘oh you’re one of THOSE women’. 

But imagine if you will, if half of all women decided to go by Ms. What a freeing little act. Removing those 19th Century shackles and expectations that linger on. Such a small thing to do, such a small change but what a message to pass on to our daughters and nieces.  Other people with more shackled history don’t have the luxury of such an easy change. Take advantage and just tick a different box next time. Be woman. Be Ms.

Numbers game

At this time of social uprising I haven’t been able to pin down a thought long enough to write about it. My voice simply doesn’t seem as important as those who finally have a platform to speak and get air time.

So I have focused my time on social media. As in life, those who are ignorant or negative tend to shout the loudest. Whereas those who are positive and inclusive often shy away from conflict or posting something that might incur the negatives out there. It takes effort to face the conflict of negative posts and hatred. It eats at you and tires you, so you either don’t post, don’t respond or turn off. I get it. I’ve done all three of those things.

If the oppressed and marginalised cannot hide, neither should I. I am not in a position to do much but I can play the numbers game on social media. I have been treating it like a workplace, staffroom, social gathering; if I hear something I don’t like, something degrading, demeaning, derogitary, sexist, racist, prejudice, I comment. It’s easy to skim past these comments but I feel that if they go unchecked, someone else will skim past them and think they’re acceptable.

Those who love peace must learn to organise as effectively as those who love war.

– Martin Luthor King Jr

I have used this quote before but it hits a note in me. There are several like it that I often refer to. It’s the great undoing of our society that those of us who care and don’t think twice about equality are not often in positions of ‘power’  or large scale ‘authority’. Recently we have seen people organise in protest all over the country and it fills me with hope. Are we witnessing a time when good people are starting to say ‘enough’s enough, stop the hatred!’ I truly hope so. As it has been said so many many times lately, it’s not enough to not-be-racist anymore, you must be anti-racist if there is a chance of change.  You have to be willing to say ‘no, that’s not ok’.

So while I have switched my attention to saying ‘no, that’s not ok’ to social media, as we return to work, remember to be anti-racist, anti-sexist and anti-hatred. Be ‘anti-‘ even if it means having an uncomfortable moment. Even if it eats at you a bit. That feeling is nothing comparted to what others endure. That’s the thought that stops me when I skim past that comment or turn off my phone. NO, THAT’S NOT OK!

A Woman’s Worth

I’m an adopter. I have never been pregnant. However, I have always been good with babies and kids so I think the references often made to childless women have surpassed me on the most part. It is only now that I’m a mother that I have noticed the way that many mothers talk about childless women; especially about childbirth and babies. The general inferred message I hear is that childless women have failed, are  unnatural or selfish. I doubt that this is intentional but it’s there.

 

In our family we won’t ‘out’ our kids as adopted; that’s their choice. We tell our friends but we won’t tell their friends’ parents, for example. So due to this, most people I meet are unaware that I haven’t been through the bliss of childbirth and the comfort of pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, both events are miracles but both can be horrendous and I never particularly wanted either. (I liked the idea of the baby but not what it entailed- I did however always prefer the idea of having a child and a family more).
So I’ve been asking the question; is it Women’s true belief that to bare children is their purpose in life?

 

Maybe it is. Maybe we’re all raised to believe this because our body preps us from an early age. Every period is a reminder of our body’s function. Maybe because we have to succumb to the pain, hormonal-ness and mess once a month, we figure that we may as well do what we’re built for.

I understand the yearning for a baby when that time in your life comes, I do! I felt it too. It’s overwhelming. However, I also understand that some women don’t feel it and that should be just as acceptable. I know more than a handful of women who had a baby ‘because that’s what you do’. For some of those women it worked out; for some it was always a struggle. I am reminded of the moment in one of the Sex in the City movies where Carrie and Big declare that they’re not choosing to have children and the dumbstruck response they received. I’ve seen that happen in real life. Why is it so hard to comprehend?
Then I read a line that I cannot get out of my head:

‘Man was made for women to pro create, no?’. Good old Billy Vunipola’s supporting response to a hateful comment made by Isreal Folau.

I hate the thought that some people think that’s their purpose in life! Is that why humans have ignored climate change, inequality, sexism, racism and everything else wrong with the world because ultimately our main concern is that we’re supposed to reproduce?

My obvious next step was to blame men and religion for this blatant programming, so I started my research. When I’d read about the 3-Ps of the Code of Manhood, it took up most of my thought-power. Initially I was incredibly angry: Protect, Procreate, Provide. So many thoughts whirled through my brain in a red mist. I decided to read on and was surprised by some of the article’s modernity and objectivity. It also made me think – which is always good.
https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-3-ps-of-manhood-procreate/

It made we wonder what the ‘code of womanhood’ would be? I can’t help but assume we’d have a lot more than 3 Ps. However, I also think that what it is to be a woman has changed so significantly in the last few hundred years that a code would be hard to construct.

The article outlines a lot of change for men and their roles within society and different cultures; so I wonder, if we can accept the changing roles of men in our lives and we can broaden our remit as women, why can’t we broaden our views of our purpose in life? Our differences can make us stronger, if we are accepting of them. Women’s rise towards true equality lies in acceptance of our own and other women’s desires and choices, as together we are stronger.

Authors of History

Through this journey I have read and watched more feminist literature and documentaries than ever before. The more I read the more aware I become of the void of knowledge I have of female importance – current and historical. That there has been so much I didn’t know and still don’t.

My father in law loves reading and learning about world war 2. However he hates reading from the British point of view so he actively seeks out the German perspective or any other perspective. He believes that the ‘winners’ of wars get to tell the story their way and he wants to see things from the ‘real side’.

It’s an interesting point of view. The one aspect that he is completely correct about is how skewed our understanding of history is.

I remember a feminist friend of mine when I was little saying that she didn’t believe in history because it was his-story. At the time I thought she was over-reacting. (In my defence, I was young and didn’t know much history and I believed any strong statement was probably an overreaction.)

The more I learn now about influential women, the more I want to read but there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. I cannot foresee acquiring the knowledge I seek in this lifetime. But I think this is because I am trying to fill the void of female influence in history. So many powerful men! Where are the women in those stories? They can’t all just be wives and prostitutes, can they?

Imagine the power you must feel as a man, being raised to see that your gender can tear down cities, create miracles, change religions and god, win wars, abolish slavery and so much more!!! Wow! Just think of the things you can accomplish with your life! Meanwhile women get to be a nurse or a Queen who got beheaded because she didn’t give birth to a boy. Wow, what amazing prospects we have…

Like it or not, these are the subliminal messages, these are the inferences that our education and common history present. The same can be said of ‘black history month’ – it’s a month and it’s the only time where black history is represented, if at all! But the history books are not being rewritten. Movies and tv may be slowly but surely showing some diversity and positive representation but the very foundation – our history – is not.

Kate Pankhurst, from the Pankhurst legacy, has created some picture books for kids showing women who were influential. I picked them up the other day as I figured that they would be the first step towards making sure that the history my kids learn is balanced and equal. There are great books out there at the moment and I intend on collecting all of them. I already have too many books – this way I can claim good reason for adding more!

So Happy Women’s Day 2019; let’s make sure the history we create shows our influence and power.

Guilt

A phrase has come into my life and become a norm: Mummy guilt. Aka guilt for going back to work when your baby is still a child. You can’t win that one – guilty if you’re good at your job and not at home and guilty if you don’t care about your job and want to be at home. We’re judged either way. Too many women have just come to terms with the fact that they should feel bad; they should feel guilt; they will be judged.

We are raised to believe that the passion and spirit, the ‘tom boy’ in us must be squashed down deep in order to be feminine and pleasing. Now we have the right to work and have children, we need to work extra hard to overcome our feelings and well being and be the perfect mom or the perfect woman.

I’m sorry but women did not fight for equality and freedom for so many years for us to feel sorry for ourselves! They fought so we could have choices! We can choose our identity and be proud of it. There is such power in a woman who knows what she wants!

It’s time to own our choices. If we can proudly be a stay-at-home mom or proudly feed our kids with minimum wage jobs or proudly be a boss at our jobs, then we own our choices. What message are we sending our kids? That women have to suffer? That women should feel bad for their choices? Across my friends there have been a plethora of choices about how much time they are committing to work/kids. I respect each of them because they made a choice and they owned it. They didn’t apologise.

If you can make a choice about your life, regardless of what others might think of you, then who are they to judge you?

My kids know that I like my job, it’s important to me, it brings in money and I enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, it breaks my heart when they cry and don’t want me to go. It’s awful but I refuse to feel guilt over it. This was my choice and I give them all I’ve got when I’m home.

As women, our wellbeing is vital. We are pushed down, derided, objectified and made to feel irrelevant most of the time through society, habit and media. It is time to change that. I am not the ‘perfect woman’ that Cosmo thinks I should be. I am me. I am the sum of my choices. I am good at what I do. I love intensely and I dress oddly. I like loud music but soft blankets. I am no where near beach-ready and I don’t care! I stand behind every choice I have ever made and that has brought me to where I am now. So many women have fought to give me that freedom; I’m going to use it!

Make a choice and own it. Own the choices you have rejected.  Own who you are for better or worse. But please please please don’t feel guilty about any of it!

Male feminists

obama
Thanks to pinterest – it’s been repined so many times I couldn’t find the source. AND thanks to Barack Obama for the inspiration.

I told my husband recently that I was going to get him a t-shirt with the slogan ‘this is what a feminist looks like’. He laughed. From which I gathered that he wasn’t quite there yet. Shortly after he changed his twitter bio to ‘proud husband of a feminist’. So maybe he’s half-way there.

I have a very kind husband. He is the main caregiver for our kids because of his patience and PACE attitude. He accepts people as they come. He supports me enthusiastically in everything I do; be it through time, listening, building whatever I need, promoting and selling my wares, or whatever is on my mind. He was positively thrilled when I mentioned the idea of a blog. He has also started to stand up against inequality. However, the thought of calling himself a feminist is still a step too far. Interesting.

Why is that? How many, non-famous men do you know that would happily and proudly call themselves a feminist? Or wear the t-shirt? I’m positive they exist, but I’d like to meet one.

I can’t help but feel that we’re at a point where equality isn’t moving fast enough. Something has to cause a shift, something has to unite us against the perceived differences in order to make change happen.  Apparently Trump in charge isn’t even enough to make the western world wake up to misogyny! Between 1918 and 1928 in the UK women successfully campaigned after one semi-victory in order to have full voting equality. So what is it that can push everyday men, like my husband, past the point of accepting the norm and expecting a shift? What is it that can make a difference in our daily lives within the next 10 years?

The Gillette advert that’s gone viral about toxic masculinity had caused controversy but more importantly it has caused a lot of conversations. Much like the #metoo movement, it has clarified individual men’s positions again; you’re either toxic or helping the world move forward. I overheard my husband schooling another man on the historical fight for female equality and the ingrained misogyny that poisons our society. It was a proud moment.

There are still big issues to be fought on the political and economic front but somehow more importantly, the fight against social inequalities that are so deeply entrenched seem most important, as it is these that cause us to deepen the divide ourselves. Our expectations of ourselves to be perfect at everything, whether we want it or not; to look how magazines tell us to look, to buy what everyone else has, to be the perfect mom, to berate other women, to except ‘those’ phrases and action so as not to ‘make a fuss’. So the battle is lost and won within ourselves first. The shift we need, the great shift towards equality starts within you.

While I’d like my husband to proclaim to be a feminist and to expect equality, I guess that ultimately it doesn’t matter. The new fight is a personal one, one where we set our expectations of ourselves and how we’re treated; thus in turn effecting how others treat us. If half of all men could reject toxic masculinity and half of all women could reject ‘female perfection’; imagine the shift!

Inspiration

Image from Book Trust: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2017/october/ten-of-the-best-feminist-books-for-children/
There are so many inspiring people in the world- so many people with a bigger audience and who speak far more eloquently than I can; thus I have been suffering from a bit of an inferiority complex or maybe I simply lost sight of the point. Reminding the odd person that vaginas are strong and give life, questioning the odd derogatory term and getting annoyed at political powers has seemed a little insignificant.

Listening to Helen Pankhurst speak was inspiring and my search history and friends know me well enough to send me lots of inspiring videos. So honestly I haven’t had anything to say that others haven’t said louder than I can.

However, as the majority of my Christmas presents involved symbols of feminist strength within reality and fiction. I was reminded that every voice is important and valid.

So my present to you is some hope and inspiration that can be found within these videos and links. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

May 2019 bring more opportunities for everyone to meet their true potential without restriction.

Anne Hathaway speaking at a Human Rights convention: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PeLNRMrAEUA
Part of Trevor Noah‘s show: Afraid of the dark:  https://m.facebook.com/heyrevelist/videos/1919572955022884/
For the record, anything Trevor Noah does is worth watching!
These women inspired me – a change in perception about body image is happening and these women played a part. http://huffp.st/XkcG92X
Children’s literature is helping to make changes in the younger generation: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2017/october/ten-of-the-best-feminist-books-for-children/

Female Representation

Some fool, who dislikes all the female representation in Star Wars- The Last Jedi, has apparently made a cut of the movie taking out all the female characters in order to de-feminise the movie! This cut of the movie was 46mins long. They felt that this movie had a feminist agenda and thus their project proved their point. Honestly, all I can think is that means that 1hour and 50mins of the movie had women in it; strong, important, diverse, decision-making, non-romantic women as starring roles. That’s impressive.
The sad issue that this fool highlights is that this movie stands out due to the positive female representation. I’m sure we’re all aware that this is not the norm. If we struggle to represent half of our species on screen, how are we going to fully represent the diversity of it?

female leads
Growing up I used to detest most female characters portrayed in movies. In my young mind they were scared, pathetic maidens who needed rescuing or were mean competitive ‘bitches’. Most of them had to be tied to a man’s downfall or their romantic interest; promoting a mans trajectory made absolutely no sense to me. Even Princess Leia had to be in a love triangle and constantly supervised by men, despite her prominent role within the rebel alliance and obviously being capable. There were exceptions. Some my mum felt she had to explain to me, but if you have to explain why she’s not so bad, the message is too subtle! (E.g. little mermaid).

Fast forward 30 years and ‘Moana’ has been created. A strong, powerful, positive and determined young woman. Through and through. Even in her darkest and hardest moments, she never feels sorry for herself, has a tantrum or blames someone else. She inspires the male characters.  If you have no reason to watch animated kids movies, do yourself a favour watch it during your next rainy Sunday. You will thank me.
moana
There are many more examples of strong women in film now. It makes such a difference to how women are expected to behave, to their role in society and what to expect of themselves. It all comes down to representation but also the shift in society that has come about recently. The new value of women as equals.

But for every strong or representative female on screen there are hundreds of pathetic roles too. How do we change that? I read somewhere that we should write to the broadcasters and challenge them. Maybe. Simply not watching the movie or tv show doesn’t seem enough. In the social media age, the new letter is a deriding tweet or post, isn’t it? It interests me that the iconic suffragette slogan ‘deeds not words’, was a reaction to too many people saying the right thing but not doing it. Now, we all need to say the right thing with the same voice for deeds to happen and times to change.

So let’s not keep quiet anymore- if you see an objectified, sexualised, marginalised character, let’s call them out! Tweet, post or whatever, just let others know that it’s not ok! Where are the women in your movie?  Why does that woman have to be naked when the man doesn’t?  Highlight it so others begin to notice because this norm we have been living in is no longer good enough.

Conversely, tweet and celebrate the strong, positive, bigger-than-size-0, interesting female leads on TV and in movies! The comments and sales speak to the people who make these shows, so lets keep the trajectory going with our positive statements, which are just as strong as our complaints.

If I had the technological know-how I would make cuts of the top 10 grossing movies of all time, just to counteract that fool. I would keep all the bits with women in them and the only reason that any of my movies would be more than 30mins long is due to Black Panther.

females
So I guess all the morons out there who feel uncomfortable watching women on screen, who are more powerful and determined than they are, simply need to find another way to spend their time than playing with movies. And to all the morons out there making movies: unless there’s a 50% representation of women, your movie is purely a future-damaging sexist piece of data.

Methodically poking

I’ve been reading a little about the waves of feminism this week. Each wave is quite distinctive in its nature and context. Wave 1 and 2 feminists had to stand up, be present, put their lives on the line and be committed to their beliefs. Wave 4 feminism is fuelled and propelled by social media and technology (case in point) and the criticism of this is how little commitment and passion is really required within this forum.

It’s true, I have signed more petitions than I can count this month so far. I wouldn’t even be able to recall them all. I believe and feel strongly about each one, but all I have to do is click. Nothing more is asked of me, other than a donation. The only time something has been asked of me in support of a cause I felt strongly about was a march. A march! I’m up for that….hold on….in London (3 hour drive or £70 train return for 2.5 hours), on a week day (day off (not allowed in schools) and the school run) and with 3 days’ notice. Instant dampener. Now, absolutely if I was truly passionate and committed, I would have made it happen. So what does that mean? I’m not truly standing up for a cause I believe in? I don’t know.

Maybe it is simply reflective of where I’m at in my life – give me 3 weeks’ notice and a plan can be made, but a few days notice for almost anything is an instant headache. I am itching for a chance to stand up with a crowd of like-minded people, but I fear this is simply a romantic notion and the practicalities of it all are just too much.

Maybe it is the social media age where everyone has a voice but no influence or presence without selfies and thousands of followers. Do hundreds of thousands of virtual signatures hold as much impact as people standing together? Is it simply that you can only stand up with those people if you live in or near a city? In our isolation in rural England are we isolating our passion and drive too?

Inclusion has been a reoccurring theme for the last month within my job and the sad but obvious truth is that if you are surrounded by diversity, it’s an awful lot easier to be inclusive. If there is a minority of one, inclusivity is significantly harder without pointing fingers, being tokenistic and facing ever-looming prejudice. So it would make sense that in areas of less diversity there are fewer opportunities to stand up with like-minded people, because standing up is somewhat ‘other’. Not simply because of closed-minded people but because of open-minded people who are only active on social media.

There are no judgements here; simply curiosity. #timesup #likeagirl #metoo No one can argue with the power and resonance of these #. Is it enough? Does what happens on social media stay on social media or does it infiltrate into the real world?

I have no conclusions for this. All I have is hope that the movements, momentum and online passion bleeds through into our society so  that the ‘Everyday Sexism Project’ becomes irrelevant? I hope so.

“Everytime I move, I make a women’s movement,” – Jennifer Baumgardner

I like the idea that we are all walking around making our own personal but noticeable statement to the world but my fear is that it’s not enough. I so often ask the question: What would Amelia Pankhurst say? This question pushes me forward; to question, critique, support and do whatever I can. But I also remember that while she had to ‘shake society’ maybe our generation just has to methodically poke.