Tag: gender equality

Know thyself… or thy boobs

I have been indecisive about writing my story because it is not extraordinary or special; there are millions of people out there right now going through or have been through breast cancer and many many people writing about thier journey through treatment.

A deciding factor for me was the number of women who have asked me how I found out and asking what it’s like. The difficulty is that it’s different for everyone, so I do not want to preach ‘the truth’ as every cancer journey is as unique as the person going through it. But I do feel it’s important (and have been told insistently by friends and family) to share how I found out I had it, as this is something we women do not talk about as much as we should.

I had large breasts – G cup – so when I first learnt about doing checks for lumps, I found it worrying. How was I going to find a tiny lump in all of this in order to ‘catch it early’?! So instead of monthly checks, I did weekly checks, so I really knew what they felt like and could notice a change. In amongst natural lumps and ridges from stretch marks and hormonal changes in fullness, I got to know the landscape. I’m not sure why, but most people (including nurses) assume the lump was caught on mammograms, it wasn’t, I found it…but it wasn’t hard to find.

One day in October, I was sitting at a table, leant down to pick something up off the floor, my breast pressed against the table leg and hurt – this was unusual. When I got changed that night, I checked and there was a palm-sized lump. What the fuck?! I assumed it was a bruise or something but when I investigated, it had very definitive edges and was round like a ball. It also didn’t move around, which I have since learnt is a key sign. I left it a few days to see if it went away. Nope. Went to the doctors and the rest is history.

The fact that I have to highlight is that I can honestly say that the 5.4cm lump was not there a week or so beforehand. In amongst all the treatments and fatigue and questioning if this is the right thing for me, the single most important fact of all is that the lump came out of nowhere.

I don’t say this to scare, worry or shock you. I say this to let you know that whatever funny feelings you may have about touching and getting to know your breasts, it’s really worth getting over it.

In this wonderful world of ever-changing technology and scientific discoveries, of self-discovery and growth, of acceptance and female empowerment, why would we deny ourselves these advantages that so many others before us did not have or know about?

You use a mobile phone? Then check your breasts!

You take painkillers? Then check your breasts!

Please.

But this goes for men too! This is not just a female issue. Can you imagine the stigma for a man to get breast cancer? So few men know that if they have a family history of it, then they may have a genetic marker which could heighten thier chances of getting it. Statistics show it’s as much as 1 in 7 women get breast cancer in thier lifetime and 1 in 100 men get it. For men, the cancer is usually invasive but for women, it is one of the most ‘curable’ cancers.

I love this website: https://coppafeel.org/your-boobs/boob-check-101/ You can even sign up to get reminders on your phone!

I know for some this may seem frightening or weird, especially those of you with daughters having to explain this, but actually it’s all about empowerment. Empowering ourselves to take control of our bodies and our choices and our future.

Female acceptance – Sports

I have become aware that being a feminist isn’t a final destination like enlightenment; it’s a journey. I am by no means a perfect feminist with all the answers and witty retorts, who spends their time in the right places fighting the good fight. I admire those feminists (and activists in general who are making that powerful positive impact) but I’m not them… at least, not right now. My journey is a more personal one. It started off with wanting to increase my own intolerance for daily sexism and prejudice and to call it out. It became a journey to realise my own sexism.

As a woman there are a thousand small ways we are made to feel different; especially physically but also in how we act. This is different for every country and culture. I am aware of some differences but I can only speak to those I was raised within: England’s. Demure is probably the word that best describes the expectation but it needs coupling with delecate and desirable. If you are not these things, your elders tend to shake thier heads in desparation. This is different for every family and is thankfully becoming diluted through the generations but it certainly has been in recent history that any woman who didn’t conform was doomed to be a social outcast.

I have realised how much of this attitude is still within me. Cast aside the impact of women being made to feel that we must compete for acceptance and the influence that has had on how I have viewed successful women as I have grown. I am focusing on how I view women who are not demure, delecate and desirable. Yesterday I was faced with why I have felt so uncomfortable with women’s sports.

Women’s 6 Nations Rugby is on bbc iplayer – full matches, and is being advertised well. We are a big rubgy-loving family and wanted to support this. Especially during a dry patch of rugby; our weekends were feeling empty. I knew deep down I would find this uncomfortable to watch – my self-awareness was tingling and I disapproved of myself. So initially, I listened. I got used to the female commentary and female voices yelling at each other and sounds of exertion. I only got annoyed once when they refered to the Men’s 6 Nation side as ‘their men’. (I say only once, but I probably ranted for 5 minutes.) After the first quarter, I started watching and found that the differences I was noticing were quite different to being gender-based but were about the game instead. It’s much faster paced and less about strength, there are fewer stereotyped bodies, so it’s harder to know who does what position – especially when you have a front rower who’s scored 18 tries!

At half time, we discussed why I found this so uncomfortable initially and it came down to that view of women always needing to be composed. Now, at this point I should point out that I am very far away from composed, demure, delecate or desirable in any traditional sence!! Very far! So I’m not judging from a pedastal but from the point of view that I was always told how to behave, as a girl, which was far from how I actually do. I guess somewhere deep down, I have a view of how a woman should be that feels uncomfortable when faced with Other. Isn’t that crazy? I can be so aware of societal inequalities of women but deep down there is an expectation of perfection on others! I make myself feel a little sick.

So I’m working on it! I’m picking myself up every time I hear the judgy little voice. I can’t stand that idea within myself – it’s got to go!

However, I don’t think I’m alone in this. We used to watch WWE (don’t judge me!) and when the ‘Divas’ came on, I’d always find something else to do because I couldn’t stand it. It sounded like porn. It was all posing and hair flipping. Then a generation of female wrestlers came along who were actual wrestlers. Their grunts were real and they actually got hurt and sweaty – on TV – in front of millions of people – not very composed at all! It was awesome! WWE actually changed things for females in thier field, slowly but surely. And they’re no longer called ‘divas’ – thank goodness. I know it’s not perfect and it’s a crazy example but it highlights what we have expected from women previously as well as how subtly people feel they have to make the change.

Apparently, people need time to accept women in thier raw form.

This idea is both completely infuriating yet reassuring that change is happening anyway. Maybe the ‘status quo-ers’ out there won’t notice the change towards equality, if we do it subtly? Maybe there will be less resistance? Subtle is fine as long as it’s quick!

Anyway, long rambling story later, by the end of the match, I am cured of my stupid-brain-washing when it comes to women’s sports. AND as an added bonus, my sons think that women’s rugby is brilliant!

England Women v Wales Women at The Stoop: All you need to know | News | Harlequins Rugby Union
credit: Getty images

Hope

When I was a child the future was painted in all manner of hopeful ways; flying cars, stop whaling, hoverboards, gender equality, self-drying clothes, end to racism, teleportation, no deforestation, no poaching, renewable energy…and most importantly, hoverboards… did I mention that already?

Technology has moved forward so fast that my childhood of untwisting cassettes with a biro seems like a weird dream. We could never imagine how different our daily lives could be with the technology we keep in our pockets or on our wrists. Yet every day we imagine a world without the social and environmental problems we have, but it’s not becoming a reality.

Do we need a phone with 3 cameras…no. Do we need clean renewable energy…YES! Do we need to know how much REM sleep we had this week…no. Do we need to end hatred of race and sexuality and gender…YES, a thousand times, YES!

I hear so many people of my generation being cynical. They no longer believe that change can happen. So many people question, why would a change happen now when it hasn’t for so long? I see the pain behind that statement. However that pain is hindering hope. Having your hope chipped away at over decades leads a person to be more careful where they place that hope. I understand that. But much like racism shouldn’t be said out loud, neither should cynicism. Let Greta do her thing; if she can make change happen, perfect. Let each celebrity trying to use thier voice do it; the more positive voices and role models out there the better for all.

I lose hope. I look at my list of hopes for the future and realise that none of them truly exist yet. So then I pick myself up and think about the people who have waited for their hopes for a hell of a lot longer than me and I keep hoping. This is purely selfish though, I want to see this change in my lifetime. None of this – future generations stuff – what about us!! Why aren’t we fighting for our world? What, coz it’s too comfy like it is? Look around, no it isn’t. People are afraid. They are afraid of being different, of being left behind, of not having enough, of being hated, of regret.

There are also a frightening proportion who don’t want change. They are frightened to death of it and they are fighting so hard to keep the status quo. These are people who have no hope. Don’t let them be louder than you. Don’t let them drive the frikkin bus! When you hear doubt and cynicism, shove your hands over you hears and shout ‘la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you’! Protect your hope. Guard it. Water it and keep it strong. Listen to the good news. Watch the up-lifting movie. Listen to hopeful songs. Stop the doubt when you see it and name it. The children are rising up because thier hope is stronger than ours, thiers hasn’t had the battering ours has. So shake it off and find your child-like hope for equality…and let’s not forget…hoverboards.

And the best actress award goes to…

So bear with me on my convoluted thought-train that ended at revolutionary gender equality. 

Last night my husband and I played Netflix Russian rullette with the ‘play something’ button. We reminisced over the first episode of friends, cringed and cackled through the first episode of modern family and turned off the first episode of schitts creek; only to find ourselves watching the first episode of Umbrella Academy. 

In doing my usual, what’s that actors name/ how old are they/ what else have they been, in internet trawl mid episode, I found out about Elliot Page’s public declaration of becoming transgender. As I continued to read his wiki page I saw awards for ‘best actress’ and it occurred to me how other that might feel for him in 10 years to see those awards with a different pronoun. 

But actually, then it posed the question of why do we have actor/actress categories for awards? Your gender holds no import on the quality of your acting. Sure, on the quality of the parts available but not on the quality of the person. Since there has been a push on the quality of roles for women on screen, why not do away with gendered awards? 

My assumption is that people are afraid of what bias we might see if we did. Would only men get the awards? Would only women get them? (Shock horror!) The more I think about it, gendered awards seems archaic. Why not have Meryl Streep in the same category as Dustin Hoffman? What am I missing? 

So then the conversation turned to sports and how we understand why there are gender separations in sport. But then we managed to find A LOT of examples where there has been major controversy, prejudice and sexism due to body types and strength. 

Why not throw the whole thing up in the air and stop separating by gender and start separating by an actual measure? Like weight or the speed of your hit or height? Why not have a 60kg woman compete against a 60kg man? Sports could be revolutionalsed by simply figuring out the classification for your sport. 

Sports like motor racing could then start to really open up but because females in some sports are so unusual, currently, no one wants to back them. 

Maybe I’m just in the mood for change or I’m simply not afraid of it, but it feels like the time. It feels like we need to catch the fuck up and stop living in the 20th Century still. Pay attention to the world around you to see that our rules and norms don’t fit anymore. Time for a rethink. 

Male feminists

obama
Thanks to pinterest – it’s been repined so many times I couldn’t find the source. AND thanks to Barack Obama for the inspiration.

I told my husband recently that I was going to get him a t-shirt with the slogan ‘this is what a feminist looks like’. He laughed. From which I gathered that he wasn’t quite there yet. Shortly after he changed his twitter bio to ‘proud husband of a feminist’. So maybe he’s half-way there.

I have a very kind husband. He is the main caregiver for our kids because of his patience and PACE attitude. He accepts people as they come. He supports me enthusiastically in everything I do; be it through time, listening, building whatever I need, promoting and selling my wares, or whatever is on my mind. He was positively thrilled when I mentioned the idea of a blog. He has also started to stand up against inequality. However, the thought of calling himself a feminist is still a step too far. Interesting.

Why is that? How many, non-famous men do you know that would happily and proudly call themselves a feminist? Or wear the t-shirt? I’m positive they exist, but I’d like to meet one.

I can’t help but feel that we’re at a point where equality isn’t moving fast enough. Something has to cause a shift, something has to unite us against the perceived differences in order to make change happen.  Apparently Trump in charge isn’t even enough to make the western world wake up to misogyny! Between 1918 and 1928 in the UK women successfully campaigned after one semi-victory in order to have full voting equality. So what is it that can push everyday men, like my husband, past the point of accepting the norm and expecting a shift? What is it that can make a difference in our daily lives within the next 10 years?

The Gillette advert that’s gone viral about toxic masculinity had caused controversy but more importantly it has caused a lot of conversations. Much like the #metoo movement, it has clarified individual men’s positions again; you’re either toxic or helping the world move forward. I overheard my husband schooling another man on the historical fight for female equality and the ingrained misogyny that poisons our society. It was a proud moment.

There are still big issues to be fought on the political and economic front but somehow more importantly, the fight against social inequalities that are so deeply entrenched seem most important, as it is these that cause us to deepen the divide ourselves. Our expectations of ourselves to be perfect at everything, whether we want it or not; to look how magazines tell us to look, to buy what everyone else has, to be the perfect mom, to berate other women, to except ‘those’ phrases and action so as not to ‘make a fuss’. So the battle is lost and won within ourselves first. The shift we need, the great shift towards equality starts within you.

While I’d like my husband to proclaim to be a feminist and to expect equality, I guess that ultimately it doesn’t matter. The new fight is a personal one, one where we set our expectations of ourselves and how we’re treated; thus in turn effecting how others treat us. If half of all men could reject toxic masculinity and half of all women could reject ‘female perfection’; imagine the shift!

Inspiration

Image from Book Trust: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2017/october/ten-of-the-best-feminist-books-for-children/
There are so many inspiring people in the world- so many people with a bigger audience and who speak far more eloquently than I can; thus I have been suffering from a bit of an inferiority complex or maybe I simply lost sight of the point. Reminding the odd person that vaginas are strong and give life, questioning the odd derogatory term and getting annoyed at political powers has seemed a little insignificant.

Listening to Helen Pankhurst speak was inspiring and my search history and friends know me well enough to send me lots of inspiring videos. So honestly I haven’t had anything to say that others haven’t said louder than I can.

However, as the majority of my Christmas presents involved symbols of feminist strength within reality and fiction. I was reminded that every voice is important and valid.

So my present to you is some hope and inspiration that can be found within these videos and links. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

May 2019 bring more opportunities for everyone to meet their true potential without restriction.

Anne Hathaway speaking at a Human Rights convention: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PeLNRMrAEUA
Part of Trevor Noah‘s show: Afraid of the dark:  https://m.facebook.com/heyrevelist/videos/1919572955022884/
For the record, anything Trevor Noah does is worth watching!
These women inspired me – a change in perception about body image is happening and these women played a part. http://huffp.st/XkcG92X
Children’s literature is helping to make changes in the younger generation: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2017/october/ten-of-the-best-feminist-books-for-children/

Moments of light

Plan International posted this video recently that is so sinister and, sadly, something I took for ‘normal’ growing up. I think every female I know would agree that these are the sorts of behaviours you learn to expect and prepare for.  It was only when I moved to London that I realised how aggressive and angry I had become about it all. My mum could never understand why I shot down admirers and I put a lot of it down to this daily level of harassment and objectification.

There is something truly wonderful in that it was only when I became more into the alternative music scene, especially punk, that these ‘normal’ behaviours stopped. I could go to a club or gig and not get groped on the way to the bar. It was also those friends who would shout at offenders on the tube who did behave in that way. So many people are quick to judge those who look ‘different’ but in my experience it’s the normal ones who are most toxic.

Had a conversation about teenagers with phones recently with a parent of teenagers. They claimed that there are more dangers now, so it’s essential for them to have a phone. I simply couldn’t disagree more. The same dangers are there and having a phone rarely stops dangerous things from happening. The difference is when I was a teenager and told my friends or my parents that I would be somewhere at a specific time- I was there! If I wasn’t, they would worry. With phones permanently attached to us, we never have to be on time or make a proper plan; that’s what feels more risky. That’s why we feel so vulnerable when we forget our phone.

Awareness is the difference. My parents were oblivious to the horrible male attention my friends and I received. Did it make a difference? Probably not. My parents couldn’t track my every move. Did it make a difference? Probably not. I got myself into and out of tricky situations, without a phone for back-up! I now have faith in my ability to deal with life. That may be pure luck, but abductions and missing people have not been cured by the invention of the mobile phone.

But the point is not about phones, it’s about what we consider ‘normal’. The behaviours in this video and the ‘dangers’ out there are indeed ‘normal’. The only way to rid our world of them is to challenge them. Challenge your friend or the stranger you see behaving in this way. Lift your head and have a look around you at how people treat each other. Noticing is the first step towards change.

The Nobel prize was awarded to two inspiring people this week: https://edition-m.cnn.com/2018/10/05/europe/nobel-peace-prize-intl/index.html. These are people who looked around them and made a change. Despite personal danger and culture of fear and quiet around the topic of weaponising sexual violence, these two individuals have made a remarkable difference in our world.

I witnessed some small moments of light this week. Moments where I wasn’t the one having to stand up, where others use of language to challenge perspectives inspired me.

So in a world where ‘normal’ is far from ideal, those moments of light and those people who inspire us must be our wheels that propel us forward.

Only found this website on Wednesday!! If you don’t know already, they work for education for all and equality for girls. https://plan-international.org/

#GetGirlsEqual

Bellyache

“Don’t get sucked into the darkness,” I told my husband as if I had it all under control myself. This week We have both gotten into online arguments with the ignorant. It took a toll on my spirit and patience.

I tried to keep my arguments concise, specific and factful but that’s not how the other half argue is it! Who needs fact when you have fear-mongering and hatred!? Who needs to read and respond when you can spew whatever crap you heard some dangerous doctor in Canada spew? But the ignorant and dangerous aren’t the issue here.

I used to feel that these fearful people on social media shouldn’t be engaged with as they are antagonising for the sake of it so you can’t win. You can’t change the mind of someone who can find a problem for every solution.

But then I read a quote by Martin Luther King jr:
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hatred cannot drive out hatred, only love can do that”.

I take this to mean a great deal of things, one of which is how we chose to face opposition determines the outcome of the venture. If you chose to insult, berate and belittle you cannot drive out hate and change minds but if you always keep love first and foremost, then you stand a chance. This is all well a good until you’re faced with a moron telling you that there is no gender pay gap.

There must be people to provide light out there in the darkness of social media and who better than the generation who’s lives do not revolve around social media? Who better to be role models than those of us who know this is all virtual.
IMG_4905 (1)
Thank you pinterest for this image.

I think that those on the side of good are reluctant to feel how I have felt this week. And I don’t blame them. Managing work, motherhood and being a partner to my husband are all significantly harder with anger in your gut. But I might have changed someone else’s heart – not the person I was arguing with but someone else who read it. That makes a difference. It’s vague and reward-less but it’s some light in the dark.

I will learn to process and release this frustration that builds up into anger. But I must remember all of those who have been through a lot worse than belly ache and sleeplessness to make change happen. Michelle Obama believes that history shows that one spark of hope can spread quickly enough to make change happen. We have to organise ourselves better, so I urge you this week, to stand up against and argue with something wrong. It might make your gut twist but you might just change a heart.

‘For girls’

My eldest son came home from school a few months back proclaiming certain tv shows, games and what-not to be ‘girl things’.

Now, given that most of his friends are girls, his male friends also have long hair like him and his favourite tv shows were Care Bears and Luna Petunia, I was struggling to figure this out!

I guess I had naively thought that gender equality would filter into him by osmosis. That he would view the world differently through his side-swept bangs, stay-at-home Dad and working mother. He would know that what others classed as normal, we were throwing out the window.

But no, he’s 5 and his friends views and phrases hold more weight than mine.

So I was very chilled out in explaining that there’s no such thing as boy games or girl games. 6 times. 6 times I was super chilled and explained it as carefully as I could.

The seventh occasion involved scrolling for a tv show on Netflix and hearing, ‘Urg, that’s a girl show’. I may not have had the same chilled out tone in my repetition this time and I may have gone a little over the top listing every show he likes and every game he plays that are technically ‘for girls’, in quite possibly an irate tone of voice. The answer I got was, ‘oh’ and he hasn’t mentioned it since. Personally, I think finding out that She-Ra is a ‘girl show’ was the clincher in making him throw out the whole idea, not me.

In the end, I learnt not to expect my kids to innately understand gender equality through what they see in their family, as the world has many more contradicting examples than we could possibly compete with. This is too important to leave to chance, this must be taught in everything we do and addressed head on when needed.

So I will curb the irate tone and be prepared for whatever comes next, all the while setting and highlighting positive examples where I can.

Planting seeds

Female body image portrayed in the media is toxic. This isn’t groundbreaking news but apparently this common knowledge isn’t enough to stop it. So we each fight our own personal battles from the humiliating baseline that we are not naturally emaciated  as well as the female body generally considered shameful in one way or another. The other day a small victory happened from a surprising source which has given me so much hope.

My husband and I had a big wedding celebration in Johannesburg a few years back, in summer, so it was due to get pretty hot. I was helping my mum pack and she only had thick t-shirts and dresses with sleeves. My mum doesn’t do hot. She melts at anything above 23 degreesC.  I told her she needed vests and sleeveless tops, to which her answer was ‘oh no, I don’t like the tops of my arms and everyone will see my flabby bits’.

This was not a shock, I have heard it from women far younger and skinnier than my mum. I’ve heard it from myself plenty of times historically. However, since I decided to not give a fuck about what other people think of my body, I have become more comfortable and happy in my own skin; I have stopped trying to prove something through my appearance and have become far less self-conscious.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t got it cracked and I’ve certainly not a healthy BMI score. But I am happier. I do have more self-worth.

So I gave my mum the rant I have given so many times before to essentially brick walls: “who gives a flying fuck what other people think of your appearance? If they honestly don’t have better things to think about than your flabby arms or wrinkles at the top of you armpits, then I would be more concerned about their pitiful, meaningless lives than about your body.” This time I added, Mum, “you have fought cancer and won who gives a shit about other people. You are going to die in 35degree heat- wear a fucking vest top!”

So she bought vest tops and wore no sleeves for the full 2 weeks she was there. A massively significant victory for me and my mum. 

But here’s the lesson that has struck me. She now attends slimming world and is enjoying it, not for other people but for herself; she feels good. In the heatwave we’ve had this year, her fellow slimmers have admired her ‘courage’ in wearing sleeveless tops. When they comment on her ‘bravery’ she gives them the speech I gave her, just with less swearing. I don’t know if those ladies have gone on to show their armpit folds and bingo wings but the seed has been planted. And that seed was planted by my mum, which makes me excessively happy.

 

Jameela Jamil giving a perfect real-life example:  https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/jameela-jamil-body-shaming_uk_5b9a249be4b041978dbff413

A post about the impact of negative female expectations: Negative distribution