Tag: hope

Shopping list for Breast Cancer patients

When I was first diagnosed, my friends, family and colleagues wanted to help and bought me things that make me smile. I still use them now and they have kept my spirits up throughout this journey. I am aware however that finacially, I’m pretty stable and others going through this process may not be. If this is the case, there are lots of small things that are needed, which all add up. Even if finacially they’re not a burden, the effort and thought needed to source them can be tough. So I’ve put together a list (who doesn’t love a list) of the things I’ve needed along the way that I didn’t think about when people asked me what I needed at the beginning.

Chemotherapy list

  • A thin poncho for chemo days
  • Acetone free nail polish remover
  • Dark nail polishes (something to do with preserving your nails by protecting them from UV light? Not sure how much science is there but all the women I know swear by it.)
  • Rich tea or malted milk biscuits – for when you’re hungry but can’t stand the smell or taste of anything
  • Sour friuty chewy sweets – I would have thought this was the last thing I’d want, but a fellow chemo patient gave me some and they were the best thing in the entire world! Some people want ginger sweets for nausea, but I didn’t feel that way; I still have a packet in my cupboard though!
  • Sleeping hats or hooded pyjamas – bald heads get cold at night!
  • Eyebrow pencil – right at the very end, once my head hair started growing back, my eyebrows fell out! Just when I thought I had survived that possible side effect, they finally got the memo.
  • Sun hats / beanies – your head will need shade or warmth no matter how much hair you have left.
  • Mints – for the smell of chemo (some people don’t notice this at all, others become fearful of the smell!). I used to pop a mint imperial in my mouth every time chemo started or I got a saline flush. One time solution!

Surgery list

  • Post surgery bras! Here in the UK a voucher for RECO or M&S would be highly valuable as a gift. The RECO bras are what my surgeon suggested as the best due to the compression element they provide, they’re good but at £40 each, it’s steep. (As my surgeon told me in no uncertain words – get 2 in black because you’ll leak and need to wash one.)
  • Front opening, loose fitting tops – you can’t lift your hands above your head for a while, so finding these tops for the season you’re in can be a challenge.
  • Front opening, loose fitting pyjamas
  • Dressing gown and slippers for surgery day – don’t be me searching the local supermarket for slippers on the morning of surgery!
  • Neck travel pillow – you know the kind you get in airports – in my house, they’re called boob cushions! They work perfectly with car seat belts to cushion your boob area but not put pressure on because of the hole in the middle. And they hang neatly over the gear stick when you’re not using it. Personally, I prefer the ones that are half cushion and half beany.

Radiotherapy list

  • Strappy tops that you can pull down to expose the breasts but cover your torso.
  • Moisturiser – needed 2-3 times a day as a minimum.

General list

  • PARKING! At £4 – £13 per hospital trip it all adds up! (I got a permit for chemo and radio days, but all the scans, checks, blood tests, surgery, pre-assessments, more scans – all pay for parking).
  • Dentistry before chemo – got to make sure you’re all functioning there otherwise the pain is real. (Update: dentistry post chemo too! My gums were a wreck.)
  • If you have a PICC line, clothes that are baggy enough in the arm not to pull the bandage around are really important. Similarly, tops you can wear so people have easy access to the line. An unexpected and superficial frustration, but still a frustration!
  • Water bottles – making sure you get enough water is vital throughout the process but monitoring/managing/remembering this when you have fatigue is challenging. The husband came up with a plan for this: x5 600ml bottles that were filled daily. This way I could just go and pick one up when I needed a new one (or better still, the kids could) and at the end of the day, we knew the intake. Why not just buy a big one you ask – because you can’t lift it. I struggled to refill my 800ml bottle at the beginning, so we made a new plan.
  • Moisturiser, moisturiser, moisturiser and when you think you don’t need so much, moisturiser. Unperfumed, uncoloured and thick, at every step of the way. Personally, I like Simple and Child’s Farm the best (having tried a lot).
  • Eye liner – for when you have no eyelashes but want to feel ‘normal’ out in the world
  • Eye tests and new glasses – post chemo checks as your eyes can change shape apparently!
  • Slightly scented candles – this may be a personal one but my sense of smell became VERY sensitive during chemo, so in my house I became the lady with a candle to ward off the general smells people make.
  • Anti-histamines – that pesky pollen and dust is gonna get you when you have no immune system!
  • Predictable healthy lunch – again this might be a personal one but not having to think about it and not spend too much time in the kitchen (amongst the smells) was the right thing for me.
  • Alongside being healthy with your diet, remember the sugar and salt! I forgot these things and they made a big different to me once my nurse pushed me in the right direction.

I am a problem-solver to the point of barely noticing the problem now before I have a solution! This is who I am and I faced each step in this journey with this Positive Mental Attitude. Yes, I had my down days but after a period of wallowing, I picked myself up and adjusted my attitude. I know however, that many people are not able to do that. Many people do not have the support I have or the level of privilege I have. These lists may seem trivial, but they are the things that can really get a person down in amongst this battle. These are the things that can bring on the tears in an otherwise strong warrior. When you’re too tired to think, can’t undo a lid, can’t lift a bottle, can’t remember a common word and you’re bald and cold and too hot at the same time, these little things are what you NEED.

Hope

When I was a child the future was painted in all manner of hopeful ways; flying cars, stop whaling, hoverboards, gender equality, self-drying clothes, end to racism, teleportation, no deforestation, no poaching, renewable energy…and most importantly, hoverboards… did I mention that already?

Technology has moved forward so fast that my childhood of untwisting cassettes with a biro seems like a weird dream. We could never imagine how different our daily lives could be with the technology we keep in our pockets or on our wrists. Yet every day we imagine a world without the social and environmental problems we have, but it’s not becoming a reality.

Do we need a phone with 3 cameras…no. Do we need clean renewable energy…YES! Do we need to know how much REM sleep we had this week…no. Do we need to end hatred of race and sexuality and gender…YES, a thousand times, YES!

I hear so many people of my generation being cynical. They no longer believe that change can happen. So many people question, why would a change happen now when it hasn’t for so long? I see the pain behind that statement. However that pain is hindering hope. Having your hope chipped away at over decades leads a person to be more careful where they place that hope. I understand that. But much like racism shouldn’t be said out loud, neither should cynicism. Let Greta do her thing; if she can make change happen, perfect. Let each celebrity trying to use thier voice do it; the more positive voices and role models out there the better for all.

I lose hope. I look at my list of hopes for the future and realise that none of them truly exist yet. So then I pick myself up and think about the people who have waited for their hopes for a hell of a lot longer than me and I keep hoping. This is purely selfish though, I want to see this change in my lifetime. None of this – future generations stuff – what about us!! Why aren’t we fighting for our world? What, coz it’s too comfy like it is? Look around, no it isn’t. People are afraid. They are afraid of being different, of being left behind, of not having enough, of being hated, of regret.

There are also a frightening proportion who don’t want change. They are frightened to death of it and they are fighting so hard to keep the status quo. These are people who have no hope. Don’t let them be louder than you. Don’t let them drive the frikkin bus! When you hear doubt and cynicism, shove your hands over you hears and shout ‘la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you’! Protect your hope. Guard it. Water it and keep it strong. Listen to the good news. Watch the up-lifting movie. Listen to hopeful songs. Stop the doubt when you see it and name it. The children are rising up because thier hope is stronger than ours, thiers hasn’t had the battering ours has. So shake it off and find your child-like hope for equality…and let’s not forget…hoverboards.

Numbers game

At this time of social uprising I haven’t been able to pin down a thought long enough to write about it. My voice simply doesn’t seem as important as those who finally have a platform to speak and get air time.

So I have focused my time on social media. As in life, those who are ignorant or negative tend to shout the loudest. Whereas those who are positive and inclusive often shy away from conflict or posting something that might incur the negatives out there. It takes effort to face the conflict of negative posts and hatred. It eats at you and tires you, so you either don’t post, don’t respond or turn off. I get it. I’ve done all three of those things.

If the oppressed and marginalised cannot hide, neither should I. I am not in a position to do much but I can play the numbers game on social media. I have been treating it like a workplace, staffroom, social gathering; if I hear something I don’t like, something degrading, demeaning, derogitary, sexist, racist, prejudice, I comment. It’s easy to skim past these comments but I feel that if they go unchecked, someone else will skim past them and think they’re acceptable.

Those who love peace must learn to organise as effectively as those who love war.

– Martin Luthor King Jr

I have used this quote before but it hits a note in me. There are several like it that I often refer to. It’s the great undoing of our society that those of us who care and don’t think twice about equality are not often in positions of ‘power’  or large scale ‘authority’. Recently we have seen people organise in protest all over the country and it fills me with hope. Are we witnessing a time when good people are starting to say ‘enough’s enough, stop the hatred!’ I truly hope so. As it has been said so many many times lately, it’s not enough to not-be-racist anymore, you must be anti-racist if there is a chance of change.  You have to be willing to say ‘no, that’s not ok’.

So while I have switched my attention to saying ‘no, that’s not ok’ to social media, as we return to work, remember to be anti-racist, anti-sexist and anti-hatred. Be ‘anti-‘ even if it means having an uncomfortable moment. Even if it eats at you a bit. That feeling is nothing comparted to what others endure. That’s the thought that stops me when I skim past that comment or turn off my phone. NO, THAT’S NOT OK!

Authors of History

Through this journey I have read and watched more feminist literature and documentaries than ever before. The more I read the more aware I become of the void of knowledge I have of female importance – current and historical. That there has been so much I didn’t know and still don’t.

My father in law loves reading and learning about world war 2. However he hates reading from the British point of view so he actively seeks out the German perspective or any other perspective. He believes that the ‘winners’ of wars get to tell the story their way and he wants to see things from the ‘real side’.

It’s an interesting point of view. The one aspect that he is completely correct about is how skewed our understanding of history is.

I remember a feminist friend of mine when I was little saying that she didn’t believe in history because it was his-story. At the time I thought she was over-reacting. (In my defence, I was young and didn’t know much history and I believed any strong statement was probably an overreaction.)

The more I learn now about influential women, the more I want to read but there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. I cannot foresee acquiring the knowledge I seek in this lifetime. But I think this is because I am trying to fill the void of female influence in history. So many powerful men! Where are the women in those stories? They can’t all just be wives and prostitutes, can they?

Imagine the power you must feel as a man, being raised to see that your gender can tear down cities, create miracles, change religions and god, win wars, abolish slavery and so much more!!! Wow! Just think of the things you can accomplish with your life! Meanwhile women get to be a nurse or a Queen who got beheaded because she didn’t give birth to a boy. Wow, what amazing prospects we have…

Like it or not, these are the subliminal messages, these are the inferences that our education and common history present. The same can be said of ‘black history month’ – it’s a month and it’s the only time where black history is represented, if at all! But the history books are not being rewritten. Movies and tv may be slowly but surely showing some diversity and positive representation but the very foundation – our history – is not.

Kate Pankhurst, from the Pankhurst legacy, has created some picture books for kids showing women who were influential. I picked them up the other day as I figured that they would be the first step towards making sure that the history my kids learn is balanced and equal. There are great books out there at the moment and I intend on collecting all of them. I already have too many books – this way I can claim good reason for adding more!

So Happy Women’s Day 2019; let’s make sure the history we create shows our influence and power.

Guilt

A phrase has come into my life and become a norm: Mummy guilt. Aka guilt for going back to work when your baby is still a child. You can’t win that one – guilty if you’re good at your job and not at home and guilty if you don’t care about your job and want to be at home. We’re judged either way. Too many women have just come to terms with the fact that they should feel bad; they should feel guilt; they will be judged.

We are raised to believe that the passion and spirit, the ‘tom boy’ in us must be squashed down deep in order to be feminine and pleasing. Now we have the right to work and have children, we need to work extra hard to overcome our feelings and well being and be the perfect mom or the perfect woman.

I’m sorry but women did not fight for equality and freedom for so many years for us to feel sorry for ourselves! They fought so we could have choices! We can choose our identity and be proud of it. There is such power in a woman who knows what she wants!

It’s time to own our choices. If we can proudly be a stay-at-home mom or proudly feed our kids with minimum wage jobs or proudly be a boss at our jobs, then we own our choices. What message are we sending our kids? That women have to suffer? That women should feel bad for their choices? Across my friends there have been a plethora of choices about how much time they are committing to work/kids. I respect each of them because they made a choice and they owned it. They didn’t apologise.

If you can make a choice about your life, regardless of what others might think of you, then who are they to judge you?

My kids know that I like my job, it’s important to me, it brings in money and I enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, it breaks my heart when they cry and don’t want me to go. It’s awful but I refuse to feel guilt over it. This was my choice and I give them all I’ve got when I’m home.

As women, our wellbeing is vital. We are pushed down, derided, objectified and made to feel irrelevant most of the time through society, habit and media. It is time to change that. I am not the ‘perfect woman’ that Cosmo thinks I should be. I am me. I am the sum of my choices. I am good at what I do. I love intensely and I dress oddly. I like loud music but soft blankets. I am no where near beach-ready and I don’t care! I stand behind every choice I have ever made and that has brought me to where I am now. So many women have fought to give me that freedom; I’m going to use it!

Make a choice and own it. Own the choices you have rejected.  Own who you are for better or worse. But please please please don’t feel guilty about any of it!

Male feminists

obama
Thanks to pinterest – it’s been repined so many times I couldn’t find the source. AND thanks to Barack Obama for the inspiration.

I told my husband recently that I was going to get him a t-shirt with the slogan ‘this is what a feminist looks like’. He laughed. From which I gathered that he wasn’t quite there yet. Shortly after he changed his twitter bio to ‘proud husband of a feminist’. So maybe he’s half-way there.

I have a very kind husband. He is the main caregiver for our kids because of his patience and PACE attitude. He accepts people as they come. He supports me enthusiastically in everything I do; be it through time, listening, building whatever I need, promoting and selling my wares, or whatever is on my mind. He was positively thrilled when I mentioned the idea of a blog. He has also started to stand up against inequality. However, the thought of calling himself a feminist is still a step too far. Interesting.

Why is that? How many, non-famous men do you know that would happily and proudly call themselves a feminist? Or wear the t-shirt? I’m positive they exist, but I’d like to meet one.

I can’t help but feel that we’re at a point where equality isn’t moving fast enough. Something has to cause a shift, something has to unite us against the perceived differences in order to make change happen.  Apparently Trump in charge isn’t even enough to make the western world wake up to misogyny! Between 1918 and 1928 in the UK women successfully campaigned after one semi-victory in order to have full voting equality. So what is it that can push everyday men, like my husband, past the point of accepting the norm and expecting a shift? What is it that can make a difference in our daily lives within the next 10 years?

The Gillette advert that’s gone viral about toxic masculinity had caused controversy but more importantly it has caused a lot of conversations. Much like the #metoo movement, it has clarified individual men’s positions again; you’re either toxic or helping the world move forward. I overheard my husband schooling another man on the historical fight for female equality and the ingrained misogyny that poisons our society. It was a proud moment.

There are still big issues to be fought on the political and economic front but somehow more importantly, the fight against social inequalities that are so deeply entrenched seem most important, as it is these that cause us to deepen the divide ourselves. Our expectations of ourselves to be perfect at everything, whether we want it or not; to look how magazines tell us to look, to buy what everyone else has, to be the perfect mom, to berate other women, to except ‘those’ phrases and action so as not to ‘make a fuss’. So the battle is lost and won within ourselves first. The shift we need, the great shift towards equality starts within you.

While I’d like my husband to proclaim to be a feminist and to expect equality, I guess that ultimately it doesn’t matter. The new fight is a personal one, one where we set our expectations of ourselves and how we’re treated; thus in turn effecting how others treat us. If half of all men could reject toxic masculinity and half of all women could reject ‘female perfection’; imagine the shift!

Female Representation

Some fool, who dislikes all the female representation in Star Wars- The Last Jedi, has apparently made a cut of the movie taking out all the female characters in order to de-feminise the movie! This cut of the movie was 46mins long. They felt that this movie had a feminist agenda and thus their project proved their point. Honestly, all I can think is that means that 1hour and 50mins of the movie had women in it; strong, important, diverse, decision-making, non-romantic women as starring roles. That’s impressive.
The sad issue that this fool highlights is that this movie stands out due to the positive female representation. I’m sure we’re all aware that this is not the norm. If we struggle to represent half of our species on screen, how are we going to fully represent the diversity of it?

female leads
Growing up I used to detest most female characters portrayed in movies. In my young mind they were scared, pathetic maidens who needed rescuing or were mean competitive ‘bitches’. Most of them had to be tied to a man’s downfall or their romantic interest; promoting a mans trajectory made absolutely no sense to me. Even Princess Leia had to be in a love triangle and constantly supervised by men, despite her prominent role within the rebel alliance and obviously being capable. There were exceptions. Some my mum felt she had to explain to me, but if you have to explain why she’s not so bad, the message is too subtle! (E.g. little mermaid).

Fast forward 30 years and ‘Moana’ has been created. A strong, powerful, positive and determined young woman. Through and through. Even in her darkest and hardest moments, she never feels sorry for herself, has a tantrum or blames someone else. She inspires the male characters.  If you have no reason to watch animated kids movies, do yourself a favour watch it during your next rainy Sunday. You will thank me.
moana
There are many more examples of strong women in film now. It makes such a difference to how women are expected to behave, to their role in society and what to expect of themselves. It all comes down to representation but also the shift in society that has come about recently. The new value of women as equals.

But for every strong or representative female on screen there are hundreds of pathetic roles too. How do we change that? I read somewhere that we should write to the broadcasters and challenge them. Maybe. Simply not watching the movie or tv show doesn’t seem enough. In the social media age, the new letter is a deriding tweet or post, isn’t it? It interests me that the iconic suffragette slogan ‘deeds not words’, was a reaction to too many people saying the right thing but not doing it. Now, we all need to say the right thing with the same voice for deeds to happen and times to change.

So let’s not keep quiet anymore- if you see an objectified, sexualised, marginalised character, let’s call them out! Tweet, post or whatever, just let others know that it’s not ok! Where are the women in your movie?  Why does that woman have to be naked when the man doesn’t?  Highlight it so others begin to notice because this norm we have been living in is no longer good enough.

Conversely, tweet and celebrate the strong, positive, bigger-than-size-0, interesting female leads on TV and in movies! The comments and sales speak to the people who make these shows, so lets keep the trajectory going with our positive statements, which are just as strong as our complaints.

If I had the technological know-how I would make cuts of the top 10 grossing movies of all time, just to counteract that fool. I would keep all the bits with women in them and the only reason that any of my movies would be more than 30mins long is due to Black Panther.

females
So I guess all the morons out there who feel uncomfortable watching women on screen, who are more powerful and determined than they are, simply need to find another way to spend their time than playing with movies. And to all the morons out there making movies: unless there’s a 50% representation of women, your movie is purely a future-damaging sexist piece of data.

Moments of light

Plan International posted this video recently that is so sinister and, sadly, something I took for ‘normal’ growing up. I think every female I know would agree that these are the sorts of behaviours you learn to expect and prepare for.  It was only when I moved to London that I realised how aggressive and angry I had become about it all. My mum could never understand why I shot down admirers and I put a lot of it down to this daily level of harassment and objectification.

There is something truly wonderful in that it was only when I became more into the alternative music scene, especially punk, that these ‘normal’ behaviours stopped. I could go to a club or gig and not get groped on the way to the bar. It was also those friends who would shout at offenders on the tube who did behave in that way. So many people are quick to judge those who look ‘different’ but in my experience it’s the normal ones who are most toxic.

Had a conversation about teenagers with phones recently with a parent of teenagers. They claimed that there are more dangers now, so it’s essential for them to have a phone. I simply couldn’t disagree more. The same dangers are there and having a phone rarely stops dangerous things from happening. The difference is when I was a teenager and told my friends or my parents that I would be somewhere at a specific time- I was there! If I wasn’t, they would worry. With phones permanently attached to us, we never have to be on time or make a proper plan; that’s what feels more risky. That’s why we feel so vulnerable when we forget our phone.

Awareness is the difference. My parents were oblivious to the horrible male attention my friends and I received. Did it make a difference? Probably not. My parents couldn’t track my every move. Did it make a difference? Probably not. I got myself into and out of tricky situations, without a phone for back-up! I now have faith in my ability to deal with life. That may be pure luck, but abductions and missing people have not been cured by the invention of the mobile phone.

But the point is not about phones, it’s about what we consider ‘normal’. The behaviours in this video and the ‘dangers’ out there are indeed ‘normal’. The only way to rid our world of them is to challenge them. Challenge your friend or the stranger you see behaving in this way. Lift your head and have a look around you at how people treat each other. Noticing is the first step towards change.

The Nobel prize was awarded to two inspiring people this week: https://edition-m.cnn.com/2018/10/05/europe/nobel-peace-prize-intl/index.html. These are people who looked around them and made a change. Despite personal danger and culture of fear and quiet around the topic of weaponising sexual violence, these two individuals have made a remarkable difference in our world.

I witnessed some small moments of light this week. Moments where I wasn’t the one having to stand up, where others use of language to challenge perspectives inspired me.

So in a world where ‘normal’ is far from ideal, those moments of light and those people who inspire us must be our wheels that propel us forward.

Only found this website on Wednesday!! If you don’t know already, they work for education for all and equality for girls. https://plan-international.org/

#GetGirlsEqual

Gentlemen

The other day, when addressing a group of male colleagues as ‘gentlemen’, I was greeted with shock, scoffs and banter. This makes me a little sad. You wouldn’t think twice about addressing a group of women as ‘ladies’, so how should I address a group of males?

I worked at an all boys school for a number of years and I always referred to them as ‘gents’ or ‘gentlemen’. My theory being that if I held them in high esteem they would meet the standard. It also meant that when I had to reprimand children, I could refer to them as ‘boys’ and it have a very significant meaning. (For the record they were all under 12, so definitely classed as boys.) On the most part I didn’t have a boy behave in a way less than I would expect of a gentleman.

The question is, what is a suitable non-degrading term for a group of men? Or should the question be rather, why were those men so shocked to think of themselves as gentlemen?! Have we gotten to a social point where a group of men has such negative connotations of misogyny and general disgusting behaviour that no collective noun is flattering? When did that happen?

Tina Fey mentioned in her book that when she first started at SNL as the first female writer, the men would have a jar of urine in the writers room. I think most of us would assume that this isn’t normal behaviour. Several men I know wouldn’t ‘break the bro code’ of dating their friends’ sisters. Why is that a thing? Surely they should be ideal candidates because you know who they are (and where they live). Or is it because you know who they really are when the men are alone?

When we reference the ‘patriarchy’, it brings about images of small circles of cigar-smoking older men in upper class clubs making sinister plans against humanity. It’s not really so hard to imagine given that in times before women had the vote, gentlemen’s clubs were rife and more recently when men get together for a weekend away or to see a football match, amoral or illegal behaviour is expected – hell there are many many movies about just that. So much so that several men I know have made extra special care to ensure their bachelor nights didn’t go down that usual route.

Why do we accept this as the norm? Boys will be boys? Just as equally as we expect constraints and expectations set of women and the backlash if rebelled against that have become common-place in our society; why have we come to expect this behaviour of a group of men? More worryingly, why do we make fun and judge a group of men if they don’t behave that way?! Do we think they’re less of a man?

I would argue that they’re simply less of an arsehole. I expect the same of everyone I know – that they are honest about who they are. We all slightly alter our behaviour for different people (boss, mother, quiet friend, loud friend, etc) but to alter it to the extent that the people closest to you don’t recognise you. That they couldn’t predict your behaviour- why? What are the inferences of this? That the version of you that is on show daily, isn’t quite all of you; There’s a misogynistic, prejudice, angry prick inside of you that needs to come out periodically? I don’t get it.

Show your true self to the world, if people accept you that’s great and if not, you need different friends or workplace. Say what you want about Trump but he shows his true self to the world- we all hate it, he knows it and he doesn’t care.  It doesn’t get more truthful than that.

So while I wait for truth to prevail I shall continue to refer to men as gentlemen, I shall continue to hold everyone I know to a higher standard and I shall insist upon a truthful existence from those I love. Truth cuts through bullshit and fear and when we lose those two elements, we get closer to equality.