Tag: self-improvement

Know thyself… or thy boobs

I have been indecisive about writing my story because it is not extraordinary or special; there are millions of people out there right now going through or have been through breast cancer and many many people writing about thier journey through treatment.

A deciding factor for me was the number of women who have asked me how I found out and asking what it’s like. The difficulty is that it’s different for everyone, so I do not want to preach ‘the truth’ as every cancer journey is as unique as the person going through it. But I do feel it’s important (and have been told insistently by friends and family) to share how I found out I had it, as this is something we women do not talk about as much as we should.

I had large breasts – G cup – so when I first learnt about doing checks for lumps, I found it worrying. How was I going to find a tiny lump in all of this in order to ‘catch it early’?! So instead of monthly checks, I did weekly checks, so I really knew what they felt like and could notice a change. In amongst natural lumps and ridges from stretch marks and hormonal changes in fullness, I got to know the landscape. I’m not sure why, but most people (including nurses) assume the lump was caught on mammograms, it wasn’t, I found it…but it wasn’t hard to find.

One day in October, I was sitting at a table, leant down to pick something up off the floor, my breast pressed against the table leg and hurt – this was unusual. When I got changed that night, I checked and there was a palm-sized lump. What the fuck?! I assumed it was a bruise or something but when I investigated, it had very definitive edges and was round like a ball. It also didn’t move around, which I have since learnt is a key sign. I left it a few days to see if it went away. Nope. Went to the doctors and the rest is history.

The fact that I have to highlight is that I can honestly say that the 5.4cm lump was not there a week or so beforehand. In amongst all the treatments and fatigue and questioning if this is the right thing for me, the single most important fact of all is that the lump came out of nowhere.

I don’t say this to scare, worry or shock you. I say this to let you know that whatever funny feelings you may have about touching and getting to know your breasts, it’s really worth getting over it.

In this wonderful world of ever-changing technology and scientific discoveries, of self-discovery and growth, of acceptance and female empowerment, why would we deny ourselves these advantages that so many others before us did not have or know about?

You use a mobile phone? Then check your breasts!

You take painkillers? Then check your breasts!

Please.

But this goes for men too! This is not just a female issue. Can you imagine the stigma for a man to get breast cancer? So few men know that if they have a family history of it, then they may have a genetic marker which could heighten thier chances of getting it. Statistics show it’s as much as 1 in 7 women get breast cancer in thier lifetime and 1 in 100 men get it. For men, the cancer is usually invasive but for women, it is one of the most ‘curable’ cancers.

I love this website: https://coppafeel.org/your-boobs/boob-check-101/ You can even sign up to get reminders on your phone!

I know for some this may seem frightening or weird, especially those of you with daughters having to explain this, but actually it’s all about empowerment. Empowering ourselves to take control of our bodies and our choices and our future.

Numbers game

At this time of social uprising I haven’t been able to pin down a thought long enough to write about it. My voice simply doesn’t seem as important as those who finally have a platform to speak and get air time.

So I have focused my time on social media. As in life, those who are ignorant or negative tend to shout the loudest. Whereas those who are positive and inclusive often shy away from conflict or posting something that might incur the negatives out there. It takes effort to face the conflict of negative posts and hatred. It eats at you and tires you, so you either don’t post, don’t respond or turn off. I get it. I’ve done all three of those things.

If the oppressed and marginalised cannot hide, neither should I. I am not in a position to do much but I can play the numbers game on social media. I have been treating it like a workplace, staffroom, social gathering; if I hear something I don’t like, something degrading, demeaning, derogitary, sexist, racist, prejudice, I comment. It’s easy to skim past these comments but I feel that if they go unchecked, someone else will skim past them and think they’re acceptable.

Those who love peace must learn to organise as effectively as those who love war.

– Martin Luthor King Jr

I have used this quote before but it hits a note in me. There are several like it that I often refer to. It’s the great undoing of our society that those of us who care and don’t think twice about equality are not often in positions of ‘power’  or large scale ‘authority’. Recently we have seen people organise in protest all over the country and it fills me with hope. Are we witnessing a time when good people are starting to say ‘enough’s enough, stop the hatred!’ I truly hope so. As it has been said so many many times lately, it’s not enough to not-be-racist anymore, you must be anti-racist if there is a chance of change.  You have to be willing to say ‘no, that’s not ok’.

So while I have switched my attention to saying ‘no, that’s not ok’ to social media, as we return to work, remember to be anti-racist, anti-sexist and anti-hatred. Be ‘anti-‘ even if it means having an uncomfortable moment. Even if it eats at you a bit. That feeling is nothing comparted to what others endure. That’s the thought that stops me when I skim past that comment or turn off my phone. NO, THAT’S NOT OK!

Methodically poking

I’ve been reading a little about the waves of feminism this week. Each wave is quite distinctive in its nature and context. Wave 1 and 2 feminists had to stand up, be present, put their lives on the line and be committed to their beliefs. Wave 4 feminism is fuelled and propelled by social media and technology (case in point) and the criticism of this is how little commitment and passion is really required within this forum.

It’s true, I have signed more petitions than I can count this month so far. I wouldn’t even be able to recall them all. I believe and feel strongly about each one, but all I have to do is click. Nothing more is asked of me, other than a donation. The only time something has been asked of me in support of a cause I felt strongly about was a march. A march! I’m up for that….hold on….in London (3 hour drive or £70 train return for 2.5 hours), on a week day (day off (not allowed in schools) and the school run) and with 3 days’ notice. Instant dampener. Now, absolutely if I was truly passionate and committed, I would have made it happen. So what does that mean? I’m not truly standing up for a cause I believe in? I don’t know.

Maybe it is simply reflective of where I’m at in my life – give me 3 weeks’ notice and a plan can be made, but a few days notice for almost anything is an instant headache. I am itching for a chance to stand up with a crowd of like-minded people, but I fear this is simply a romantic notion and the practicalities of it all are just too much.

Maybe it is the social media age where everyone has a voice but no influence or presence without selfies and thousands of followers. Do hundreds of thousands of virtual signatures hold as much impact as people standing together? Is it simply that you can only stand up with those people if you live in or near a city? In our isolation in rural England are we isolating our passion and drive too?

Inclusion has been a reoccurring theme for the last month within my job and the sad but obvious truth is that if you are surrounded by diversity, it’s an awful lot easier to be inclusive. If there is a minority of one, inclusivity is significantly harder without pointing fingers, being tokenistic and facing ever-looming prejudice. So it would make sense that in areas of less diversity there are fewer opportunities to stand up with like-minded people, because standing up is somewhat ‘other’. Not simply because of closed-minded people but because of open-minded people who are only active on social media.

There are no judgements here; simply curiosity. #timesup #likeagirl #metoo No one can argue with the power and resonance of these #. Is it enough? Does what happens on social media stay on social media or does it infiltrate into the real world?

I have no conclusions for this. All I have is hope that the movements, momentum and online passion bleeds through into our society so  that the ‘Everyday Sexism Project’ becomes irrelevant? I hope so.

“Everytime I move, I make a women’s movement,” – Jennifer Baumgardner

I like the idea that we are all walking around making our own personal but noticeable statement to the world but my fear is that it’s not enough. I so often ask the question: What would Amelia Pankhurst say? This question pushes me forward; to question, critique, support and do whatever I can. But I also remember that while she had to ‘shake society’ maybe our generation just has to methodically poke.

 

 

Gentlemen

The other day, when addressing a group of male colleagues as ‘gentlemen’, I was greeted with shock, scoffs and banter. This makes me a little sad. You wouldn’t think twice about addressing a group of women as ‘ladies’, so how should I address a group of males?

I worked at an all boys school for a number of years and I always referred to them as ‘gents’ or ‘gentlemen’. My theory being that if I held them in high esteem they would meet the standard. It also meant that when I had to reprimand children, I could refer to them as ‘boys’ and it have a very significant meaning. (For the record they were all under 12, so definitely classed as boys.) On the most part I didn’t have a boy behave in a way less than I would expect of a gentleman.

The question is, what is a suitable non-degrading term for a group of men? Or should the question be rather, why were those men so shocked to think of themselves as gentlemen?! Have we gotten to a social point where a group of men has such negative connotations of misogyny and general disgusting behaviour that no collective noun is flattering? When did that happen?

Tina Fey mentioned in her book that when she first started at SNL as the first female writer, the men would have a jar of urine in the writers room. I think most of us would assume that this isn’t normal behaviour. Several men I know wouldn’t ‘break the bro code’ of dating their friends’ sisters. Why is that a thing? Surely they should be ideal candidates because you know who they are (and where they live). Or is it because you know who they really are when the men are alone?

When we reference the ‘patriarchy’, it brings about images of small circles of cigar-smoking older men in upper class clubs making sinister plans against humanity. It’s not really so hard to imagine given that in times before women had the vote, gentlemen’s clubs were rife and more recently when men get together for a weekend away or to see a football match, amoral or illegal behaviour is expected – hell there are many many movies about just that. So much so that several men I know have made extra special care to ensure their bachelor nights didn’t go down that usual route.

Why do we accept this as the norm? Boys will be boys? Just as equally as we expect constraints and expectations set of women and the backlash if rebelled against that have become common-place in our society; why have we come to expect this behaviour of a group of men? More worryingly, why do we make fun and judge a group of men if they don’t behave that way?! Do we think they’re less of a man?

I would argue that they’re simply less of an arsehole. I expect the same of everyone I know – that they are honest about who they are. We all slightly alter our behaviour for different people (boss, mother, quiet friend, loud friend, etc) but to alter it to the extent that the people closest to you don’t recognise you. That they couldn’t predict your behaviour- why? What are the inferences of this? That the version of you that is on show daily, isn’t quite all of you; There’s a misogynistic, prejudice, angry prick inside of you that needs to come out periodically? I don’t get it.

Show your true self to the world, if people accept you that’s great and if not, you need different friends or workplace. Say what you want about Trump but he shows his true self to the world- we all hate it, he knows it and he doesn’t care.  It doesn’t get more truthful than that.

So while I wait for truth to prevail I shall continue to refer to men as gentlemen, I shall continue to hold everyone I know to a higher standard and I shall insist upon a truthful existence from those I love. Truth cuts through bullshit and fear and when we lose those two elements, we get closer to equality.

Newton’s First Law of Motion

Newton’s first law of motion: an object in motion, will stay in motion unless acted on by another force. In other words, something in motion will only change its speed or direction, if something else causes it to do so.

I feel like the western world has been so caught up in financial recessions, terrorism, reality TV, and pantomime politics, all of which has been learnt about through social media, that they have forgotten to interact with one another with any rigour or power. We have forgotten how to talk about anything that’s really in front of us.

That’s where the flutter comes in, the churn in your stomach, the little voice that tells you to ‘just leave it’. I have felt that so many times over the last few months in my journey to not leave anything alone. But that’s where the change happens. Face to face, looking a person in the eye. I’m not facing down oppressors, the police or the government; I’m simply telling a friend or a colleague an alternative to the phrase they just used. If all it does is make them watch their words around me, I’ve changed someone’s motion and awareness of what is acceptable.

I saw a picture of a woman (on social media) who had squirted water on a man-spreader’s crotch. A brief glance at the comments showed some strong opinions on either side of the argument, but my only thought was ‘good, someone acting against something they care about’. I feel like we need to see more of this. There are protests and petitions galore at the moment but actual action is hard to come by. I am guilty myself, I claim that ‘life gets in the way’, but that’s the whole problem isn’t it.

So when I was reminded of Newton’s first law of motion, it made me think. It takes something bumping into us, physically or metaphorically, for us to change our motion. It takes someone you know speaking out, finding your own ceiling of bullshit or being personally affected to change your motion.

I feel like so many of us have fallen into a passive existence. An existence where we feel we can make a difference online, hiding away in social media, not interacting for fear of bumping into each other and having our motion changed. It’s like the world has recently woken up to the fact that we treat each other like shit. When we look up and around we realise that in our absence, no one has been making a difference.

So it seems that more and more people have been taking a stand over the last year or so. So many movements and slogans pushing us forward into potentially a better world. What true power do they have unless we reset our norms? What impact can they have if we get bored of hearing the same slogans 6 months later? If something’s worth saying, it’s worth saying until it’s heard.

Well sorry, not sorry to those who are sick of hearing it, the eye-rollers, because I’m going to keep repeating myself and standing up until I change enough people’s motions; until I see a world where equality reigns. 

PACE – it’s the way forward!

I ended up sitting in a conference listening to an expert talk about PACE this week. I ignored my ego telling me to leave because I know it all. I’m glad I did this because something I realised while he was talking is that this little-known ‘attitude’ is probably what could fix the divides between humans. A big statement, I know.

Sit down, with a cup of whatever makes you feel cozy and stick with me here.

So for those of you who don’t know, PACE is an attitude developed by Dan Hughes, that teachers, social workers, parents and therapeutic services use for children and young people with a traumatic background. These children and young people have developed attachment difficulties and so to put it simply, their brains have been wired differently to those who had a secure attachment in early life. To begin to rewire and therapeutically reach these children and young people, we need to take a different approach, which is PACE. Now bear with me.

PACE stands for Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathetic. These are the attitudes you need to use when interacting with these traumatized individuals, all the time and forever. In other words, you don’t judge their behaviour, their words or their reactions; you accept it. You empathise and get curious about why they are doing those things and what makes them tick. And as often as possible you keep things light and playful, without sarcasm or shaming.

I will tell you from personal experience that it’s hard to do all the time. My parenting and teaching programming overrides my attitude sometimes but I reign it back in because the outcome is amazing.

Imagine a world where every person you encountered listened to you, empathised with you, accepted what you said and kept things light? Just take a moment to think about your interactions, now. With your boss, partner, bank manager. How would they differ?

As I sat there listening to the man give examples, I thought, what if; what if everyone applied the attitude to everyone, not just the traumatized? It wouldn’t harm anyone to feel accepted no matter what, or to feel listened to, to feel like you can have fun and be light-hearted with the people in your life. As an adult, that may seem overly simplistic but it also sounds pretty lovely to me. Imagine meeting people where they’re at and having an honest conversation because you know they will meet you where you’re at. What a difference!
So I stand by my original statement: if everyone could have a PACE attitude towards anyone, there would simply be less judgement, less fear, fewer lies, less boasting and bullshit. If everyone could accept each other’s truths, that would go a fucking long way to eradicating hate too.

PACE – it’s the way forward!

To learn more about PACE and Dan Hughes: http://www.danielhughes.org/about.html