Tag: truth

Numbers game

At this time of social uprising I haven’t been able to pin down a thought long enough to write about it. My voice simply doesn’t seem as important as those who finally have a platform to speak and get air time.

So I have focused my time on social media. As in life, those who are ignorant or negative tend to shout the loudest. Whereas those who are positive and inclusive often shy away from conflict or posting something that might incur the negatives out there. It takes effort to face the conflict of negative posts and hatred. It eats at you and tires you, so you either don’t post, don’t respond or turn off. I get it. I’ve done all three of those things.

If the oppressed and marginalised cannot hide, neither should I. I am not in a position to do much but I can play the numbers game on social media. I have been treating it like a workplace, staffroom, social gathering; if I hear something I don’t like, something degrading, demeaning, derogitary, sexist, racist, prejudice, I comment. It’s easy to skim past these comments but I feel that if they go unchecked, someone else will skim past them and think they’re acceptable.

Those who love peace must learn to organise as effectively as those who love war.

– Martin Luthor King Jr

I have used this quote before but it hits a note in me. There are several like it that I often refer to. It’s the great undoing of our society that those of us who care and don’t think twice about equality are not often in positions of ‘power’  or large scale ‘authority’. Recently we have seen people organise in protest all over the country and it fills me with hope. Are we witnessing a time when good people are starting to say ‘enough’s enough, stop the hatred!’ I truly hope so. As it has been said so many many times lately, it’s not enough to not-be-racist anymore, you must be anti-racist if there is a chance of change.  You have to be willing to say ‘no, that’s not ok’.

So while I have switched my attention to saying ‘no, that’s not ok’ to social media, as we return to work, remember to be anti-racist, anti-sexist and anti-hatred. Be ‘anti-‘ even if it means having an uncomfortable moment. Even if it eats at you a bit. That feeling is nothing comparted to what others endure. That’s the thought that stops me when I skim past that comment or turn off my phone. NO, THAT’S NOT OK!

Excuses, excuses

I have been a adrift in a sea of anxiety and stress for several months. It’s only through hindsight that I can see how much crap you can just let slide when you’re stuck in your own head. My own stress and anxiety doesn’t seem a good enough excuse to let people say hurtful or bigoted stuff.

It’s as if the stress creates a time delay in my consciousness calling someone out. It’s so often in the car on the way home that suddenly it dawns on me how shockingly prejudice a comment was. It’s all very well coming up with a sharp come-back in the car by myself. I’m sure my steering wheel is very impressed with me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I can see more clearly now why some people don’t speak out. If you’re shy, self-conscious, afraid, anxious or simply drowning under the weight of expectation; it can be hard to be completely present and able to react in a meaningful way. Within myself, I feel that it’s not a good enough excuse. But I don’t feel able to judge others to say the same.

I have never let a relationship get in the way of telling someone that their words are hurtful, so why is my relationship with myself getting in the way? Tiredness, I guess. Losing hope, maybe?

So I make no excuses for not positing more regularly or not being vociferous enough when faced with archaic views, but I aim to do better. I see inspiration in the world around me and I hope to set my life back on course again soon. Back to a place where my priorities are in line with my beliefs.

Gentlemen

The other day, when addressing a group of male colleagues as ‘gentlemen’, I was greeted with shock, scoffs and banter. This makes me a little sad. You wouldn’t think twice about addressing a group of women as ‘ladies’, so how should I address a group of males?

I worked at an all boys school for a number of years and I always referred to them as ‘gents’ or ‘gentlemen’. My theory being that if I held them in high esteem they would meet the standard. It also meant that when I had to reprimand children, I could refer to them as ‘boys’ and it have a very significant meaning. (For the record they were all under 12, so definitely classed as boys.) On the most part I didn’t have a boy behave in a way less than I would expect of a gentleman.

The question is, what is a suitable non-degrading term for a group of men? Or should the question be rather, why were those men so shocked to think of themselves as gentlemen?! Have we gotten to a social point where a group of men has such negative connotations of misogyny and general disgusting behaviour that no collective noun is flattering? When did that happen?

Tina Fey mentioned in her book that when she first started at SNL as the first female writer, the men would have a jar of urine in the writers room. I think most of us would assume that this isn’t normal behaviour. Several men I know wouldn’t ‘break the bro code’ of dating their friends’ sisters. Why is that a thing? Surely they should be ideal candidates because you know who they are (and where they live). Or is it because you know who they really are when the men are alone?

When we reference the ‘patriarchy’, it brings about images of small circles of cigar-smoking older men in upper class clubs making sinister plans against humanity. It’s not really so hard to imagine given that in times before women had the vote, gentlemen’s clubs were rife and more recently when men get together for a weekend away or to see a football match, amoral or illegal behaviour is expected – hell there are many many movies about just that. So much so that several men I know have made extra special care to ensure their bachelor nights didn’t go down that usual route.

Why do we accept this as the norm? Boys will be boys? Just as equally as we expect constraints and expectations set of women and the backlash if rebelled against that have become common-place in our society; why have we come to expect this behaviour of a group of men? More worryingly, why do we make fun and judge a group of men if they don’t behave that way?! Do we think they’re less of a man?

I would argue that they’re simply less of an arsehole. I expect the same of everyone I know – that they are honest about who they are. We all slightly alter our behaviour for different people (boss, mother, quiet friend, loud friend, etc) but to alter it to the extent that the people closest to you don’t recognise you. That they couldn’t predict your behaviour- why? What are the inferences of this? That the version of you that is on show daily, isn’t quite all of you; There’s a misogynistic, prejudice, angry prick inside of you that needs to come out periodically? I don’t get it.

Show your true self to the world, if people accept you that’s great and if not, you need different friends or workplace. Say what you want about Trump but he shows his true self to the world- we all hate it, he knows it and he doesn’t care.  It doesn’t get more truthful than that.

So while I wait for truth to prevail I shall continue to refer to men as gentlemen, I shall continue to hold everyone I know to a higher standard and I shall insist upon a truthful existence from those I love. Truth cuts through bullshit and fear and when we lose those two elements, we get closer to equality.